This journal is falling apart. I wouldn't even call it a journal anymore, it's a random hole filled with things that don't hold much meaning to me anymore. I think it's time to move on, out of sight, out of mind. Bad memories, bad times, great times, it's all going to be gone and I'll only have the future to look forward to.

It's been a pleasure being here. I won't forget anybody. But you can forget me, if you want. Sometimes it's better that way.

See you around, guys.

Last night, I had a nightmare that my parents forced me to learn to drive. While I was driving, I accidentally ran over my cat. I shrieked in my dream and woke up crying. I love my cat.

When I grow up, I don't want kids. I want cats, lots and lots of cats.

And you never would have thought in the end
How amazing it feels just to live again
It's a feeling that you cannot miss
And it burns a hole
Through everyone that feels it

Well you're never gonna find it
If you're looking for it
Won't come your way

Should've done something
But I've done it enough
By the way, your hands were shaking
Rather waste some time with you

I don't think we're going to be able to keep the rabbit a secret from Lauren for long. It's a little intense living with the RA under these circumstances; she'd probably MURDER us if she found out there's a rabbit living in our closet. Meagan's trying to find another home for him though.

He's such a sweet rabbit. It's like having a cat that hops. He's really quiet... when he needs to pee, he hops back into the closet and goes in the corner of his cage. Put him on your bed, he'll stick his head into your bedsheets like he's "burying" himsef... And you can flip him over and scratch his belly - he'll close his eyes and thump his foot. He nuzzles Meagan's hand a lot... he's SO CUTE. His name is Amadeus, the one-eared lab bunny. As in Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

Autumn in Davis is so pretty. There are a lot of trees, and they turn all different pretty colors, and you can walk through heaps of bright yellow leaves... It looks like the stories I hear about autumn on the east coast. Frank says that some trees look like rainbows where he lives, and I've always wanted to see that.

My first independant act as an 18-year-old was to register for a class without consulting the parents about the field it was in. Yuh, I am 18. Now I can't tell people I'm a 17-year-old college chic and impress them with my jailbait minor age.

I'm going to a concert this Sunday... a classical concert, of course. Shut up. They're playing Mozart's "Jupiter" Symphony No. 41, and some of the Nutcracker pieces. The Mozart piece is going to be on my theory class final exam (and being a, quote-unquote, "music major" I get free tickets) so I feel that it'd be academically beneficial to go. As far as I know, I'm going alone, but it'd be great to find someone to go with.

I hope classical music doesn't bother Frank, because I WILL be begging to go to a concert when we're together, in the future. Or any live music, really.

I are off to bed now.

I HAD THIS DREAM LAST NIGHT

AND IT WAS KIND OF GORY
BUT IT WAS A GOOD STORY AND I THINK I'M GOING TO MAKE A COMIC OUT OF IT
BECAUSE IT'S DYING TO BE ILLUSTRATED
AS ARE ALL MY DREAMS FROM THE LAST FEW DAYS...
WHICH YOU'D SAY WERE 'NIGHTMARES'
BUT I REFUSE TO CALL THEM NIGHTMARES
BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE

This seems to be the quickest I've ever recovered from sickness; I woke up with a sore throat yesterday, I was exhausted and could hardly breathe by night, but then I woke up... and... I feel a little better.

Oh gosh, I'm so embarassed. Frank's mom picked up the phone this morning going, "Hello? Frankie, I need to use this phone." It woke me up, and then I accidentally moaned into the phone... and after I realized his MOM was listening I was like, fuck fuck fuck I'm so stupid, WAKE UP!

She kept asking, "Hello?" and there'd be no reply from Frank... I reached for the "end call" button on my cell phone, thinking I should hang up if Frank wasn't there... but then she hung up, and I heard Frank's soft voice, and I felt a thousand times better and I almost cried because I'm really scared of Frank's mom. And it's creepy waking up in the middle of the night to something you're scared of.

When my dad was telling me stories about how he felt when he met my mom, I started realizing that age doesn't always have to do with things... and I shouldn't discredit myself just because I'm young.

"Everything was so nice and natural around your mom, things were smooth, and..."

"Exactly! Everything was so right."

This song is so beautiful.

CLICK ME

That's the best I can do, I dunno where to refer you to for the plain acoustic version. The full band one is nice too, but the acoustic one makes me feel... so many things, I can't really explain.

I don't understand how people can tap their toes when they listen to music. It hurts and it makes me feel all weird... I always tap my heels. I get into the song better when I tap my heels.

It might sound silly, but it feels so good without your parents around, so you can sing along to any song you want and scream the song's profanities at the top of your lungs. With other people screaming along with you. I mean, some people get to do that at home, but it's new to me.

I think my bass is pissing the people downstairs off again.

This is typically amused Aivi in her dorm room.

And this is Bowser. He owns.

I am way too demanding...

W00t! I got a 3rd row seat today in chem. There was actually one extra seat in the 1st row. Seems people were afraid to sit there or something, if I'd noticed it sooner I might've gone for it... Progress, progress. I'll work my way to the front slowly. After chem, I biked to the library and studied for an hour. Then I biked back here.

I guess a lot of students are out in the morning around 9-10ish... most of my classes are really early or really late, so I never really see a lot of people.

My biggest accomplishments today, however - it's always been easy for me to ride with only my left hand, I can balance fine and everything. But I've always had trouble with my right hand... then I actually tried holding the handlebars with only my right hand today and I realized the ONLY limiting factor was my FEAR of it.

Apparently I am alive.

I haven't tried steering or pedalling with no hands yet, I just stopped moving, let go of both hands, and let my momentum carry me straight cause the road was bumpy and curvy. But eventually I want to bike with no hands. And after that I wanna stop at the bike traffic lights without having to ever touch the ground with my feet. Need to work on upper body strength though, I know I can't hold myself up for long without leaning on the handlebars for support.

Heck, I tip over while WALKING, my balance sucks.

One of the songs me and Frank danced to at prom (some hiphop song with spurts of repetitive beats that made for interesting dance potential) was playing full blast in the room upstairs. I remember that song specifically... it seemed to last awhile when we were on the dance floor, as if time slowed down and the moment was a continuous blur that never ended. Like that feeling you get when listening to techno music.

When they announced congratulations to the class of 2004, it didn't feel exciting as it should've been... It was a sad moment, really. I don't know how Frank was feeling, but we musta been on the same wavelength or something, cause as soon as everyone else started cheering, we just quietly kissed for a long time.

We were the first people on the dance floor, too. And we were being stupid but whatever, WE WERE THE FIRST PEOPLE ON THE FUCKING DANCE FLOOR.

I'm tempted to put up prom pictures. The funny thing is we don't have a single "good" one. I mean, all of our pictures are good cause they make me happy to look at them... but all our prom pictures were extremely unflattering. Somehow we both ended up with double chins and beady eyes. It actually doesn't bother me though.

I didn't want to wait for the 10:48 PM bus, so I ran a few blocks up the street and caught the 10:10 bus from the Memorial Union. Apparently I have not been kidnapped. I was, however, approached by somebody who went out of his way to accompany me all the way down the street before asking me for my number. I quickly gave it and ran to the buses thinking it was for academic-related purposes... then I thought about it, and, I guess, it wasn't.

I wanted you to know
That I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high
And steal your pain away

"Broken"
Seether feat. Amy Lee

I finally listened to the lyrics to that song... mmm.

I'm wearing the size XL bright orange goomba "You Lose" t-shirt. Maybe if I wear it a lot I can make it really smell like me, but then I don't want to make it stink. If you get my drift. Which none of you should, except for Frank.

There's a lot of things floating around my head right now, a lot of things bothering me... but I don't really wanna think about them. =(

----> Okay, 4 hours later I realized I never submitted this post. I am back from two back-to-back music classes, and... my MUSIC 6A professor is so awesome. He's funny. The class was extremely fast-moving, though. =( It was a review lesson, so lucky I already learned most of that stuff in elementary school. I hope it's not like that for the rest of the chapters though, otherwise I'll fall behind VERY fast. >>:

What's wrong with my tongue?
These words keep slipping away
I stutter, I stumble
Like I've got nothing to say

Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it

If I could say what I wanna say,
I say I wanna blow you away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?

If I could say what I wanna see,
I wanna see you go down with me
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

"Things I'll Never Say"
Avril Lavigne

I are going home today!

I have two music classes in an hour... oooohhhh god I'm so excited. I HEART MUSIC. Since class doesn't start until 11 I've been sleeping in and lazing around my dorm room.

English kinda killed my hopes for a happy year last night... had to compensate somewhere, eh? I hate English. I didn't mind studying chemistry and doing notes for that, but English, oh god.

It's a bit scary biking for 15 minutes on half-empty streets at 8 PM in Davis, when it's really dark out, with nothing but a dim bike light that isn't even on my bike. I need a screwdriver to get it onto the handlebars, so I've just been holding it with one hand for now. Some of the streets are poorly lit, and... well, I thought there'd be more people with classes that time of night, but, uh, there isn't.

Surprisingly I'm enjoying myself here. I'm not having actual FUN or anything, you know? But I'm relaxing while handling classes, with people my age around, and it's enjoyable so far. [The 'classes' put a damper on things though.]

I wouldn't mind not going home this weekend. I am away from that place where I feel useless, like a lazy burden on everyone... Now I'm out here alone and I have a chance to prove myself, that I can do this, that I can be here alone and be responsible for my actions given freedom, food, etc.

"Hey, can't you see I want you by the way I push you away..."
- some nifty song on the radio... I found a good radio station.

Well, it's 9:25 AM and I'm back from my first class. Yes, I'm BACK from my first class. XD I left the dorms around 7ish... I thought I'd be getting there early but noooopppe everybody else was there too, and 2/3 of the lecture hall was filled. There's a good several hundred people in there. o___O I think next time I go to class I'm going to push to get closer to the front, cause there were spare seats towards the front, just, they mashed in the middle of the row.

The chem professor is awesome. He's funny. I'm relieved. TT;

I think it takes about 15 minutes to bike to my first class without traffic. I'm gonna hop on the bus and head on down to the Memorial Union for some school supplies and stuff, then I'll be back here again... xD I don't have much to do, my next class isn't until 6 PM...

Mew. I'll start on some homework and stuff when I come back.

This is so depressing.

So nervous about my first class tomorrow...

I wanna read a book or something. I'm so sleepy...

I'm either gonna ride my bike or take a nap... mweeee... I need some soda anyways. I'm really tempted to load up on junk food while I'm at the store but I shouldn't...

My dormie is so comfy. I likes it.