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| A Guide to Haku: Everyday Actions |
| 10.31.03 (7:35 pm) [edit] |
Long glances, sad smiles, tendancy and appetite for junk food, lying to you about current mood, skimming past uncomfortable subjects and laughing gently = [i]Depressed but trying to stay cheerful by not admitting it to anybody.[/i]
Nervous laughs, polite nods, awkward smiles, blinking, wildly glancing around, random remarks about random things = [i]Desperately trying not to cry[/i].
Sudden silence, increase in personal space, falling back, smiling shyly, acting less attentive, glancing around as if preoccupied with something else = [i]Feeling ignored, but two can play the same game[/i].
Quick glances, swift silent movements, starving self and avoiding food, staring cynically, not answering questions and being sarcastic, speaking defensively and changing the subject quickly = [i]Pissed off/mad/frustrated/angry/ upset/feeling crappy and you're making it worse.[/i]
Mumbling, gloomy nodding, half-smile, distant remarks, averting eye contact = [i]Don't make any assumptions, cause you know less about me than you think.[/i]
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| Deception |
| 10.31.03 (1:23 am) [edit] |
Sometimes I wonder if I [i]am[/i] messed in the head. Your parents don't threaten to take you to a shrink because it's [i]fun[/i]. Sometimes I wonder if everything I know about myself is a lie, nothing but a [i]lie[/i]. I think I'm normal but maybe I'm [i]abnormal[/i]. I think I'm a bit weird but maybe I'm perfectly fine. Maybe I think I'm nice but I'm actually self-centered. That's what [i]they[/i] told me anyways.
I wonder if you know more about me than you pretend you know. Or if you know less about me than I thought. I wonder if you've lied to me. About yourself. [i]About myself[/i].
The only certainty in life is that [i]nothing is certain[/i].
[i]
from One Winged[/i]
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| sdfaef4576u |
| 10.31.03 (1:16 am) [edit] |
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I didn't realize that by deleting 75% of your blog entries you also lower your blog stats and page hits significantly. about 3000 hits gone bye bye, I dunno where they disappeared off to. , i only have 3000 left now. Considering I only have 2 entries left in June, and July, and less than half ot he August and September ones, who knows, who knows.
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| fadgda |
| 10.31.03 (1:02 am) [edit] |
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Oh god it was just midnight when I last looked at the clock. It felt like 3 minutes, LITERALLY, what time is it now? Whooaaa duuuude time can fly when your having fun doing nothing.
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| Burn |
| 10.31.03 (12:57 am) [edit] |
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*insane laugh* Why the fuck am I writing in [i]this[/i] blog!!!!!! Mgwahaahaaa the fucking idiots I say, I swear, always on my mind, burn burn burn burn burn it all I say lets do that over and over again, burn burn burn burn burn FWAH!!!!!! oh my god that paperclip just went through my foot. BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN FUCKING FOOT!!!!!!!!
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| Forgetful |
| 10.30.03 (4:43 pm) [edit] |
Last night before I fell asleep, a bunch of memories and emotions clashed with eachother, until finally the strangest feeling happened and the strangest words popped into my head: [i]Where am I?[/i]
And then: [i]Who am I...?[/i]
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| Stuff |
| 10.29.03 (11:18 pm) [edit] |
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I hate it when I forget what I was about to say. I was about to fall asleep at 8:30 but I decided to stay up. Then I started blogging, blogging away and writing writing writing. Now it's 11 and I'm hella sleepy. Everytime I miss my bedtime cause I'm staying up doing something stupid like blogging I get mad at myself, knowing I've just wasted a few hours that will never come by again.
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| PG-13 |
| 10.28.03 (8:27 pm) [edit] |
You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla 
You are Trinity, from "The Matrix."
Strong, beautiful- you epitomize the ultimate
heroine.
What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla Hey, I don't want to kill you... I kinda like you.
You are very individual and not stupid.
Why would I want to kill you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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| Temporary |
| 10.28.03 (8:14 pm) [edit] |
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Annnnd September is done. I'm too lazy to clear out October. I might be transferring things [i]to[/i] here also. I called this post "temporary" cause I might delete it a long time from now, who knows. If you'll check back to June, there's only 2 entries left. A month's worth of blogs gets reduced to all but a few entries. [i]That's[/i] how uncomfortable I feel with my sisters and some friends being able to read my blog. But anyways, soon that won't be a problem anymore. I feel like challenging myself right now. I'm gonna make myself write a song using nothing cept the violin instrument on my keyboard ^^; We'll see how [i]that[/i] goes in one night...
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| Prophetic |
| 10.27.03 (11:09 pm) [edit] |
Dammit, why did I write so much in September. It's taking forever to transfer everything.
Anyway, have a few pictures. I did these all within the last month, and to be honest I'm sort of proud of them, for the most part anyway. Sometimes I wonder, if I could go back in time to when I first started drawing and say, "This is how I'll be in the future." I wonder if I could impress my younger self with what I can do now. I wonder if the older me will be able to impress me if she came back in time to tell me, "And this is how [i]you'll[/i] draw in a few years."
Keeping Unity
For You
Dykon Slayers
I've been thinking a lot, remembering things I thought I'd left behind. I can pick up old feelings and feel them again. You know how every time period in your life seems to have a certain [i]feeling[/i] to it, but the moment you're living in, you don't quite realize you're shaping an everlasting memory for yourself, complete with events, and feelings, and everything?
Sometimes it's amazing how even a few weeks or months ago have a certain feeling to them already...
I'm picking up the feeling of falling in love with him for the first time that one summer. Summers always have strange feelings to them, but this one was real distinct. I remember a lot of things about it, to tell you the truth. I usually don't remember much about my summers but that one summer, I can remember a lot of things.
I really miss him right now. I know I say that a lot of nights, but it's true. The nights are real lonely without anyone here. I don't know what else to say so I'm just gonna end with the same three words - what, what you ask? Well then, I have three words for you too: You are stupid.
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| Ice Queen |
| 10.26.03 (5:27 pm) [edit] |
"I can't believe this is happening. Can't we just hang up right now, and pretend this never happened? Can we pretend we never talked about this? No, please don't do this, I'll change, I won't do things anymore if you don't want me to. I'll do anything, just, please don't do this..."
Cruel and cold was the little girl who shut down her heart. How easy it was to block the emotion to avoid the pain, to ignore the guilt, to avoid the heat and freeze into an ice princess. How dominant was the pride that compelled and cried, "I won't admit it. I won't look back."
And she let go of his hand, giving back the watch, the symbol of all their time. With one last good night, she quietly slipped away into the dead of the night, never to be seen with him again.
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| Sweetness |
| 10.25.03 (2:03 am) [edit] |
Even after he left at 4 o'clock today, I kept his window open. I guess deep down inside I was sort of waiting for him to return, even though I knew I probably wouldn't see him. It's just something you don't think about, you do it without realizing it.
My cousins finally gave me a CD copy of the beach photos of me and Jess. I have a strange feeling that the photos I think I look decent in, she'll think that [i]she[/i] doesn't, and vice versa, so we'll have to work out some sort of show-and-tell deal. Also my SAT cram classes are tomorrow and I'm getting up at 6 so I have extra time to make a phone call. It's like going to school on a Saturday, only the hours are way longer. But on the bright side, I'll only need to spend two days there.
I finished reading [i]The Lovely Bones [/i]today... The miraculous scene in the end literally took my breath away. I was so enchanted by the moment that I couldn't breathe right. And don't get me [i]started[/i] on the very last sentence in the book. I'm sure you felt the same way when you read it. What I hate is when people ask me "what class is that for?" or "when's that due?" Maybe I just don't look like the type that reads now and then, for the [i]hell[/i] of it. I checked out [i]The Tempest [/i]in the library today. For the [i]hell[/i] of it. I keep a copy of [i]A Walk to Remember[/i] in my backpack, cause something about that book is just so... comforting to have with me. Sometimes when I'm feeling a bit down or lonely (and I don't mean the normal kind of lonely... I mean [i]lonely[/i]) I'll pull it out and read a few pages just to gather hope. It's a very sweet story.
I hopped onto the couch next to my cousin today, and since there were so many people on it, we were all kinda crammed together. He asked me what's up and put his arm around my shoulders, like he usually does. Sometimes that arm is comforting. I can't help but think, [i]what if that was Frank?[/i] I can't help but remember, [i]is that how Pok was?[/i] And I felt so cozy nestled against somebody warm, a warm body not belonging to one of my little sisters or middle-aged parents who I naturally am stuck with, but a person my own age who I didn't have to deal with everyday, a person bigger than me, who I could look up to and admire. It's not because I [i]like[/i] my cousin. It's just that I haven't felt a warm body next to mine for a long, [i]really[/i] long time... Haven't had anyone outside my family to hold, or to hold me.
Four years ago it was raining, and me and Pok were on the balcony, wet humid air encasing us, the smell of nature and civilization combined reeking off the ground. He was sitting on the bench and leaning against the wall, and we joked about how someone had vandalized the balcony banister with his name, but it wasn't him. On that rainy afternoon my head was gently resting in his lap, staring off into the curtain of rhythmically falling droplets. For an hour, we never spoke a word to eachother. I know it was warm, because his arms were there, they were always there. I'd watch him as he'd calmly turn his head to see who was coming down the hallway, and his hair would fall softly over his eyes.
After we broke up, I avoided walking past our bench for that whole year.
And I'm really starting to miss those physical things. Some people've never got to feel them before. But all I know is I have, and I [i]miss[/i] it. It's been years since I last felt the warmth of another body next to mine, warmth given to me not by chance, but by choice. A warm body that I actually [i]care[/i] about.
When I went on that date last year, Mike asked me if he could put his arm around me in the theatre, and my head froze. I fumbled for the first reaction I could manage and blankly nodded without realizing what I was saying. And so the arm slithered around, and suddenly in a daze I found my head on his shoulder, without knowing how it got there. My brain swirled and my heart was wrenching with the words, "This doesn't feel right. Stop it." And then, after a few minutes, I came to my sense and pulled up straight. He pulled back his arm and leaned back in his seat, and it was as if we'd reached a mutal conclusion about the date right there.
If my heart's not in it, it'll never work. There was no magic, no feelings, nothing, not even a hint of them. It was all void, vacuumed clean from emotions, and it didn't feel right.
Some nights, I feel like I can handle it, but most nights I want Frank to be by my side more than anything. It's so lonely here, so cold, and I'm watching and waiting. Waiting for the days and the nights I can curl up beside him and feel the warmth from his body against mine, waiting for the moment I can slip my arms around him and tell him I'll love him forever.
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| DENIED |
| 10.24.03 (3:49 pm) [edit] |
Ambition: Makeup-less Day 2
Status: FAILED
Words: Backed out right after lunch. Had my supplies in my backpack, sat in Chem and applied it lightly after finishing the test early. I forgot to do my Chem homework, so I was doing my homework at lunch in the library, then it turns out [i]everyone[/i] around me was doing chem homework, and they were all talking a massive 3-chapter test and I'm like, oh [i]shit[/i], I didn't know that was today!! I'm officially the only person in the class getting an A. Boo yeah! Anyways, I think I inspired some people to also fix their make-up while I was quietly at it in class. I mean, I noticed that after I started, they whipped out their bags too. Y'know how when a group of you does it you don't feel as stupid.
Verdict: 2 periods now on reserve to be re-done. Makeup-less Day 2 DENIED!
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| Morning Thought |
| 10.24.03 (7:46 am) [edit] |
First words that popped into my head this morning. "I am protected by the anonymity of my journal."
Goal: 7 days of school without makeup
Status: Day 2
Words: I was about to put this on hiatus (however it's spelled) til next week but I guess I'll try for 2 days in a row... Still bringing it in my bag in case I freak out later today.
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| Uncomforting Memories |
| 10.24.03 (12:54 am) [edit] |
My parents are going to Canada tomorrow, and they won't be back until Sunday. A relative is coming over to "babysit" us. I'm not too fond of being around my relatives. It's in the air in around them, it's in their eyes; they're equally comfortable with me as I am with them. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong with these relatives, with this family, and sometimes it just doesn't feel... [i]right[/i]. If you want the truth, I'm feeling that way right now. It's a deep enexplainable feeling, and I don't understand just [i]why[/i] it happens to me. It's moments like these where I'm ready to burst out the door and go running down the street for no reason at all...
I'm trying to remember things about my Junior year, things I slowly managed to lock away over the summer. I remember we moved back to the USA a week before school started, and we weren't even [i]registered[/i] to go to school here. So the first week was hell, getting that taken care of.
The first day of school was the crappiest first day of school of my [i]life[/i]. I couldn't believe how insanely disorganized the place was and how insanely [i]bitchy[/i] the people were. If you wanna call me picky, hey, would [i]you[/i] willingly adapt from a beautiful private school to a trashy public school in [i]one[/i] week? Yeah, I didn't think so either.
Living in a hotel had a strange feel about it... A very unsettled feeling. Even now, after having moved into our old house for exactly a year now, sometimes that unsettled feeling remains.
It's because this place doesn't feel like [i]home[/i].
To be honest, I feel so lost when I walk around here. This is supposed to be [i]home[/i] but it's not. I feel like a stranger here, even though I used to live here before, even though I live here now. So where [i]is[/i] my home?
[i]I don't really have one.[/i]
I barely have a journal entry engraved to mind from January. There was a line in it that said, "Every day I scream, every hour I cry, every minute I burn, every second I'm dying inside."
And I remember it too. I remember [i]every[/i] night, I'd go to bed with anger. [i]Every[/i] day, I'd wake up feeling reluctant. I remember sitting in the darkness by myself, gazing blankly ahead, eyes opened and unblinking. Totally emotionless and apathetic. I'd glance out the dark window at 3 AM, listening to the nighttime sounds and shufflings. If a burglar suddenly burst into my room with a gun, I knew wouldn't even have a reaction, just let him shoot me if he wanted to. That's how emotionless I felt. And then I'd feel rage, wishing I could go to sleep and hibernate through the whole winter, and then I'd fall asleep.
The countless times I almost broke down crying in several different classes. [i]Why?[/i] I don't know. There didn't seem to be a reason. The many days I skipped dinner because, even though I was starving, I didn't feel like eating at all.
The occasional mornings I'd fight with my dad before school and end up being late to my first class. I remember stepping out of the car and closing the door, and while he frustratedly sped off to work, I'd stand there calmly in front of the empty campus, gazing across the street. My heart would race and I'd [i]dare[/i] myself to do it. Everyone was in class. No one would notice me missing. No one would notice if I just ran... My foot would almost step forward off the curb but I'd catch it in time, then turn around and walk to class, quietly saying sorry in such a way that the teacher would sense I didn't want to be asked why I was late.
The nights I'd fight with my parents... The one night I took off running down the street while they chased after me in two separate cars. My 30 minutes of freedom. Jumping behind bushes when I saw their cars coming, wearing dark clothes, splashing through after-rain puddles, not even bothering to take a jacket with me in the dark cold. It was my dad who caught me. I was at a crosswalk almost a mile away, coming back from a dead end and hoping to run in the opposite direction, only I happened to run into him. And his eyes were wide and wild, and he yelled for me to come into the car. I shook my head and took a step back, and a car honked its horn behind my dad, but he opened the side door and once again gestured violently for me to get the fuck inside. So I finally did.
"Are you pyschotic or something?" he asked me. I stared blankly out the window. "Talk to your mom when you get home. I don't know what kind of things go on in that messed up head of yours."
That night I cried and told my mom everything.
My Junior year sucked some major ass. What's worse is nobody seemed to realize that I had [i]issues[/i] . I'm not even sure [i]why[/i] I did, but I know I had them. No one knew the intense hatred I felt with myself everyday, how difficult it was to drag myself through every class, how much I hated being here at this new fucking school in this fucking country. I couldn't even understand for [i]myself[/i] where all that intense hatred and anger came from. The tired look in my eyes, the long dangling hair hiding my face. My dad yelling at me about how I should've been grateful, about how my actions were unjustified, about how I had no right to feel the way I did. My parents drastically lowering their expectations for me. My sisters watching me when I didn't want them to, maybe even wondering to themselves if they'd grow up to be the nutcase that their older sibling is.
I've locked away a lot of those feelings from Junior year, but talking about them again sort of sends small waves of old emotions back into me. I'm sure if I talk about it I can just let it go entirely, because I don't want it all in me anymore. I don't want to remember anything about my Junior year.
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| Naked |
| 10.23.03 (7:44 am) [edit] |
Goal: 7 days of school without make-up.
Status: Day 1
Words: Bringing it in my back-pack in case I chicken out later. Wish me luck!
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| Roadkill |
| 10.22.03 (5:44 pm) [edit] |
Say bye bye to August!
[i]Good bye August.[/i]
Yes, August was such a good little child. Say bye-bye to the first 10 days of September.
[i]Good bye September.[/i]
I'm steadily making my way through my blog, clearing entries that are too personal and overall making Eternal Dive presentable to the public. As soon as I feel ready, I'll transfer the rest of my September entries.
[i]And then October will be next.[/i]
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| Nightfall |
| 10.21.03 (11:27 pm) [edit] |
I miss him again, like always... It's always a long lonely night without him around. The night is a bad time to be lonely, cause the night provokes thoughts, the night [i]does[/i] things to you. I think I'm more of a day person but I've been venturing into the night just to see what it's like... It's different than the day, alright. My night isn't fresh or lively like my day. No, my day is much more clear and calming, more inspirational and sweet. But the night, it's enclosing and mysterious. It tugs on your innermost desires and makes you think of things you'd never usually think about. It [i]knows[/i] the other side of you.
But then, before you fall asleep, it gently wraps around your secrets and tucks them back into your heart, slowly fading away, awaiting the moment the night will fall again.
11 o'clock is magic hour for me: Talk to me when I'm half awake like this and you'll pull an honest answer, the strait truth, secrets and secrets about me. Not midnight or a moment past, not 10 or a moment before. Magic hour starts at 11. I guess I just gave away one secret right there, huh?
7 o'clock in the morning holds my 5 minutes of abstraction. I usually wake up with random thoughts racing through my head, a lot of times it doesn't make sense, but a lot of times it reveals an abstract answer to some sort of problem.
3 o'clock in the afternoon is peak time. Catch me then, and you'll catch me at the most energetic point of my entire day.
I don't feel like ending this nicely so I'll end it abruptly. I got three words for you: [i]Go figure what[/i]. No, those aren't the actual words I want to say.
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| Hollow's Eve |
| 10.21.03 (11:24 pm) [edit] |
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Ohhh, don't let those creative juices stop flowing. I'm already thinking of how to decorate this place up for Halloween and make the layout look so evil that I'll gently twist your heart in my palm and slowly draw the wind out of you. Well, I [i]wish[/i]. But either way I'll still do something special for Halloween.
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| The Song On My Blog |
| 10.21.03 (11:01 pm) [edit] |
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I wonder if the song on my blog right now is scary or catchy. I find it catchy, but I also piss myself off when I'm trying to listen to my other music and "Hey Ya!" comes raining down on all of it. If it annoys enough people I suppose I'll take it off. Oh my God, did I actually ask for [i]your[/i] opinion on my blog? That's just not right. I must be sick.
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| Indecisive |
| 10.21.03 (10:37 pm) [edit] |
My parents are doing the best they can but it's so annoying when dad goes around telling everyone "Oh yeah, she's a music major! She wants to write music for a job!"
I'm thinkin, no. Shut up. [i]Stop it[/i]. Especially when he goes blabbing to his musical sister, who even told my mom that I'm not good enough and should screw the idea of music at all.
And the burning question: I wanna help and inspire and have an affect on people and all, but what if I can't [i]do[/i] that with music? I'm serious, I will never be satisified with my life if I can't do anything to help someone else.
It's like, I'm basically undecided, my parents shouldn't assume things and just go shaping my future around one possibility out of the tons I've talked about... AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO TELLING ALL MY RELATIVES ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE!!! My relatives make me so uncomfortable, they ALL make me feel stupid on both sides of the family, they laugh at me and think I'm a pathetic loser who will get nowhere in life and even though they don't say it, I can FEEL it in the air around them, I can see it in their eyes. They all think I'm a fucking [i]joke[/i]. Why else d'you think I insist on hiding upstairs and pretending I don't exist when they come over?
But back to music. To be honest I'm finding any reason I can to say that Oberlin is the best college for me, because firstly I want to get away from home for awhile (farrr away, California to Ohio... Okay so it's not as far as Thailand to California but it's still a big difference), secondly I want to learn to live alone, thirdly it's a good college, fourthly my parents seem to have no problem with it, and fifthly, it's near Frank.
But I have a lot of other colleges I have to look into first... My mom prefers that I stay nearby. My dad prefers that I go away from home, but stick around the area or stay in state. My grandma wants my parents to ship me as far away as possible. It's rare moments like these where I treasure my grandma's words.
I've never cared so much about college until... like, yesterday. But then again, I [i]am[/i] a senior, and application deadlines are coming up in a month.. God, have you ever felt so much of a cross between a frightened child and a responsible adult at the same time...
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| Shift Shift |
| 10.21.03 (4:35 pm) [edit] |
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I hope ya'll know how uncomfortable I feel with those last two entries posted in my public blog... _ It used to be [i]so easy [/i]to post things so much more [i]personal[/i] than that here (ohh, don't believe me? Check the June July and [i]especially[/i] August archives, you'll see what the hell I'm talking about!), but I practically have to [i]force[/i] myself to do it now. I don't know why I feel so exposed all of the sudden, it's weird how that works. Well, I [i]do[/i] know why, but I'd rather not say it publicly, haha.
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| Alive |
| 10.21.03 (4:18 pm) [edit] |
Writing a personal statement and essay for my college application isn't as hard as I thought it'd be. I guess I had no idea what was expected, then I realized that you're given [i]questions[/i] that you have to answer. I feel better now.
Sooo I'll probably be applying to University of California Berkeley, and Irvine and Santa Barbara as back-ups. There's always Ohlone or D'Anza (however it's spelled) if I don't get into anywhere I want to go ^^; I'm still checking out Oberlin. You see, saying I want to go there means I'm committing myself to [i]music[/i] for the next four years of my life. I don't know if I'm committed enough to make up my mind yet, cause I have other talents and interests I might wanna persue instead.
Anyways I just finished practicing piano. Those warm-ups my aunt gave me are [i]killers[/i], my arm is so damn sore right now. I don't know how much longer I can hide the truth from Katy, cause I'm two-timing her piano lessons and secretly taking them with someone else too. I can't decide which teacher I want... Katy is really laid-back and I have fun during our lessons, but the problem is, she doesn't really make the most of my abilities, if that makes sense. My aunt on the other hand is super-strict, and would rather push me to the best of my ability. I wanna have fun with music and put my heart into it, but at the same time, my ambition is to catch up to the level where I [i]should[/i] be, cause I wanna be super good at piano, or else I'll get discouraged and quit on it. Tough, tough.
People say I look different today, I dunno why, maybe cause I was feeling too lazy to give myself that sophisticated "punkish tendancy" (as Jocelyn says). Usually I like using make-up for the dramatic look and to cover up for lack of sleep and all but today it only seems to be making everything worse, so I'll be wiping it all off in a few moments cause I don't really [i]need[/i] it. And then I think it was my sister who very ironically said to me in the car today, "You look more alive than usual."
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| Fated |
| 10.20.03 (11:35 pm) [edit] |
He calls it "soul mates"... I call it our "purpose"... But it doesn't matter what you call it. [i]Because it really means the same thing[/i].
The day I daydreamed his face before mine was the day I felt that massive surge of emotion that felt similar to the surge I felt just two nights ago, except it was a little bit stronger when I fell into that dreamy state and figured it out myself... It was like light flooding a dark room, like water being poured from a jar. It felt like a calm voice was gently saying to me, [i]Your path is set, you know your purpose... Now go and live this moment, because you were meant for it.[/i]
And everything felt so [i]clear[/i]. Knowing for certain that you're in the right place at the right time, feeling as if you have a secret purpose to every move you make now... It made me feel stronger, more mature, and more stable, because I felt like I knew how to control my life.
I wouldn't know if he felt the same way, but that's how I felt... I know I love him, I can feel it, not only with my heart but with everything else too.
I wonder a lot of times if everything has a reason behind it. I really think everything does have a reason. Whether accidentally dropping a penny will make the difference between 1.99$ and 2.00$ for a homeless person's meal, or whether getting bored and observing something in the room makes you resourceful for a person walking in looking for the same thing but not being able to find it...
I got a letter from Oberlion, Ohio today. Supposedly one of the top music schools in the nation. It just happens to arrive here 2 weeks before I'm about to apply to all these other colleges, of [i]course[/i] it's demanding my attention. I'm seriously going to consider it. A music school in Ohio, honestly now.
Anyway, I'm really incredibly sleepy. [i]That[/i] my friends is a sign telling me to go to bed. G'night everyone!
I love you Frank.
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| Three Words |
| 10.20.03 (7:18 am) [edit] |
I could sit here for a really long time thinking about things and putting them into words and writing a couple big long paragraphs. But I'm lazy, so I'll shorten it to three words.
I love Frank. ^^
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| Unsure |
| 10.18.03 (1:54 am) [edit] |
I'm starting to feel so exposed with my blog that I'm even afraid to tell you that I hate myself, that I think I'm ugly inside out, that I'm inconfident, that I'm not sure why I feel so lost and insecure, that I'm not sure why I feel so damn sad.
I'm not sure I can tell you that I'm sick, because you'll yell at me for staying up late. I'm not sure I can tell you I'm staying up late to write in my journal, because you'll want to read it. I'm not sure I can let you read it, because then you'll know [i]too much[/i].
I'm not sure I can tell you I'm crying now, that it's lonely here, that I can't help but feel that something I did or said was wrong.
I'm not sure I can tell you that I love him. Not because I'm unsure that I do. It's because I'm unsure of whether you believe me or not. I'm not sure I can tell you it hurts me when you make fun of us. I'm not sure if he even believes me when I say it. I'm not sure if I can tell you how much I'm hurting right now, because I'm not sure if there's something that I've done, or haven't done.
I'm not sure I can tell you how shitty I feel, because I don't think you'd believe me. I'm not sure I can tell you that I feel like the crappiest girlfriend who can't live up to standard. I'm not sure I can tell you I'm being the way I naturally want to be. I'm not sure I can tell you I'm happy when I'm near him, so I can't help but act that way. I'm not sure I can tell you that I'm now afraid that me being myself is the wrong way to be.
I'm not sure I can tell you how much everything hurts.
I'm not sure anyone believes me when I tell them how hard it is for me to open up. I'm not sure if anyone appreciates the fact I'm trying my best, and I'm still trying. I don't think anyone realizes how much of an inner struggle it is for me, how my mind seems to rip in half and fight a war against itself, one half bursting to say something and the other half too shy. I don't think anyone realizes the difference between [i]not wanting [/i]to and [i]not being able [/i]to. I'm not sure I can tell you that support doubles the speed of the process, because I know you won't do it anyway.
I'm not sure I can tell him how I feel right now. Because [i]you're[/i] listening. And it's not for [i]you[/i] to know. I'm not sure I can tell you that this post is just a subtle way of saying "I wanna tell you all this but I'm scared to say it, so I'll pretend I'm not saying it, by telling you the things I don't want to say."
Oh [i]wait[/i], I've just accidentally told you all of that.
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| Angst Management |
| 10.17.03 (8:59 pm) [edit] |
Excercise number 1A: Describe your playlist.
The Ataris, Incubus, Lillix, Outkast, Avril Lavigne, New Found Glory, Sum 41, Tatu, Aerosmith, Jimmy Eat World, All Saints, Mandy Moore, Benjamin Gate, Evanescence, Linkin Park, Crazy Town, Smashing Pumpkins, BBMak, Billy, Janet Jackson, Jennifer Lopez, Kylie Minogue, Ashley Ballard, Earth Wind & Fire.
Excercise number 1B: Get in touch with yourself. Revise your playlist.
The Ataris, Incubus, Lillix, Avril Lavigne, New Found Glory, Sum 41, Tatu, Aerosmith, Jimmy Eat World, All Saints, Mandy Moore, Benjamin Gate, Evanescence, Linkin Park, Smashing Pumpkins, Earth Wind & Fire.
Excercise number 1C: LIAR! Revise it again!
Incubus, Lillix, All Saints, Evanescence, Linkin Park, Earth Wind & Fire.
Excercise number 1D: Very good. Now show me.
Incubus - When It Comes
Lillix - Sick
All Saints - Black Coffee
Evanescence - Going Under
Linkin Park - From the Inside
Earth, Wind & Fire - September
Excercise number 1E: Feel in touch with yourself yet?
Suddenly I don't feel like having a playlist.
Congratulations! You have reached enlightenment in this five-step excercise. Now stand up, get off your fat lazy ass so you can quit complaining about your pants size and figure.
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| Hey Ya! |
| 10.16.03 (10:35 pm) [edit] |
My baby don't mess around, because she loves this song, and this I know for sure!
Alright now fellas! YEAH?!
Now what's cooler than being cool? SENIORS!!!
I can't hear ya! I said what's cooler than being cool?!? '04!!!!!!
Alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright
Yeah, we danced to this song for the Senior airband thingie. Everytime I hear this song the spiffy memory of dancing in the streets with like half the senior class at night is gonna come to mind ^_^ The pelvis throw part is my favorite part, especially when like EVERYONE thrusts and goes "UH!" super loud. It's awesome. The guys always go crazy with that, hehe. Like Jenn says. Let's face it, we've already [i]won[/i]. Like she said to me, "How many cliques do you see here?"
"All of them?"
"Exactly. ALL the cliques are here. THERE'S NO ONE LEFT. It's like it doesn't matter what group you're from anymore. Everyone's here, and we're all Seniors. So let's face it, we've already won."
Like I said. I have NO school spirit, but CLASS spirit is a different story... Cause no matter where in the world I go, I'll always be a part of the Class of 2004, y'know?
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| Like Summer Wind |
| 10.16.03 (9:14 pm) [edit] |
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The July archive has been transferred/deleted... though, to be honest, a lot of the July entries seemed fine just as they were. I guess that's where a lot of my 'angry' entries were spawned. Next to go will be August, tomorrow night. Bye August, you were good to me.
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| Transition |
| 10.16.03 (4:02 pm) [edit] |
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The June archive has been transferred. All June entries that were unnecessary and too personal for comfort have been deleted from Eternal Dive. Next to go is the July archive.
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| Revelation |
| 10.14.03 (10:40 pm) [edit] |
If you haven't noticed, I haven't been writing anything about how I actually [i]feel[/i] lately. It doesn't seem right to write about what I [i]do[/i], but to be honest, I don't trust this place anymore. It feels like too many people are watching, strangers and friends alike. [i]Too many people know[/i]. I don't mind [i]people[/i], but it's just that too much attention intimidates me. Moreso my avatar is gone, if you haven't noticed [i]that[/i] either.
But maybe this is a lesson for me, see. Maybe I'm meant to deal with this to teach me how to cope with public exposure. Maybe it's all planned out that way.
Heh, [i]whatever[/i].
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| Preoccupiance |
| 10.14.03 (7:50 pm) [edit] |
Benchbuilding was interesting today. Originally Jenn asked me to come along to help paint the set (ohhh, artist skills, hell yeah!) but I guess I wanna take part in the actual airband too. I did it last year and it was pretty fun. The dance is so hard though, and it's so fricken fast, but luckily it's... um... really incredibly short. Painting Big Ben was pretty boring, but it looks really nice. The Seniors have one hell of a bench this year, it's gonna kick so much ass. I accidentally stumbled into the garage and found a huge set for the Golden Gate Bridge, Chicago, Vegas, the Alcatraz, Hawaii, the New York skyline I think, and some big heap of paper mache that will probably turn into a nice city. There was also a dock they were building. Talk about one hell of a bench.
I stood on the curb waiting for my dad to pick me up, but he drove right past me without noticing me (as if I wasn't making myself obvious enough) so I was running down the street like a spaz after the car, until he drove out of sight. Open your eyes, dammit! But I ended up getting home anyway, so it's all good.
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| Demented |
| 10.14.03 (4:14 pm) [edit] |
I finished another painting today. My mom told me that when she saw it the other night sitting on my desk, she got so frightened she couldn't bear to look at it again. She said something about it captivated her, made her feel like the person wanted to crawl out of the painting, trying to get her.
People've told me the same thing about some paintings I've done before. They say that when they look at it, they have to take a step back. I like that reaction.
It's funny though. People see me as nice and all, and then I throw freaky paintings at them. Some people believe that it's a secret cry for help. I just smile at them. They can come to their own conclusions about me, because I honestly don't know anything about myself.
I hate it when people ask me about my "motivation" or "where my ideas come from" or why I "did this" or why I "did that". [i]I don't know[/i]. I just do what I feel like doing, and often times I can't explain why I do things. I feel like I'm not awake half the time, like I'm so absent-minded. If you want me to answer your questions, you'd better brace yourself for a load of bullshit made up on the spot.
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| Exeunt Macbeth |
| 10.14.03 (4:05 pm) [edit] |
The suspense was killing me, so I went on and read the entire play even though the teacher doesn't want us to yet. I wanted to know what happened to Macbeth. And then I found out. As predicted, Macbeth dies. As unexpected, he was beheaded in the one-on-one fight at the end. I hated the thought of it, but it filled me with a deep sense of grief, satisfaction, disgust, and serenity at the same time. And I thought to myself: [i]That's a good ending[/i].
It wouldn't do Macbeth justice if he just ran away. Or if he simply got stabbed like everyone else in the play. And especially [i]not[/i] if he got hanged for treason. No, I think bringing back his head was the best way to do it. Macbeth, this innocent thane at the beginning of the play, who was so noble and good and [i]moral[/i]. And look what happened to him.
Every scene in the play is filled with evil, and every new page brings a subtle change to Macbeth's personality. You could really see how dealing with evil twisted his mind, how confused and lost he was on the inside, how he became so apathetic that not even the death of his beloved wife could stir him. And believe me, he really loved her too. They were a good couple. Tainted and swayed by evil ([i]damn[/i] the witches) but they were a good couple. And the name "Macbeth" kicks major ass.
Suddenly I'm not so sure I can do the Macbeth manga anymore, with all the bloodshed and beheading and stuff. But anyway, Shakespeare is the man. I think I'm gonna go check out Twelfth Night from the local library or something, I liked that one a lot. And I bet that'll be easier to turn into a comic. I saw the movie, it's great. Really funny and sweet.
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| Another Night |
| 10.14.03 (12:54 am) [edit] |
Another lonely night... I have to keep myself awake somehow... I think typing these is the only thing that keeps me awake. Heh. Suddenly I don't want to know what people think anymore, I don't want to hear what people have to say. I'm thinking of the part where Macbeth goes pyscho and hallucinates Banquo's ghost at his banquet and starts raving and screaming. I wonder if I could honestly handle it if I did do the mortician thing for my Quest project. Like I said, I'm not really morbid.
Lady Macbeth goes pyscho too, though I'll admit I haven't finished the play so I'm not sure why [i]she's[/i] pyscho. Those witches, I tell you, they're insane. So much dying and killing and death in Macbeth... that must be why it's called the [i]Tragedy[/i] of Macbeth. It's a bit too violent for me but it's great and it's moving, and that's what I like about it.
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| I Wish You Were Here |
| 10.13.03 (11:01 pm) [edit] |
[i]I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket
I lean aganist the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment, I am happy
I wish you were here[/i]
- Incubus
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| Clockface |
| 10.13.03 (10:06 pm) [edit] |
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Dammit, I hope Hazel didn't forget her half of the lab report. I really don't wanna do it for her, so I hope she emails me with her part soon. I'm getting really sleepy waiting here. I don't have her phone number so I can't call her or anything. I emailed her though. [i]The clock is ticking[/i].
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| A Walk to Remember |
| 10.13.03 (9:01 pm) [edit] |
[i]My mom was in the front row, dabbing her eyes with her handkerchief when the "Wedding March" began. The doors opened and I saw Jamie, seated in her wheelchair, a nurse by her side. With all the strength she had left, Jamie stood shakily as her father supported her. Then Jamie and Hergbert slowly made their way down the aisle, while everyone in the church sat silently in wonder. Halfway down the aisle, Jamie suddenly seemed to tire, and they stopped while she caught her breath. Her eyes closed, and for a moment I didn't think she could go on. I know that no more than ten or twelve seconds elapsed, but it seemed much longer, and finally she nodded slightly. With that, Jamie and Hergbert started moving again, and I felt my heart surge with pride.
It was, I remembered thinking, the most difficult walk anyone ever had to make.
In every way, a walk to remember.[/i]
- Nicholas Sparks
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| Eternal Dive: .OnlyHope |
| 10.12.03 (5:42 pm) [edit] |
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If you try to balance light and dark in a way that both sides still show, it usually ends up looking pretty funky and abstract. I like. His birthday's today. We're both the same age now. I hope this month lasts a long time, cause now I don't have to tell my friends I'm dating a guy who's a year younger than me. Not that it matters anyway, but it makes life easy and gets more people off my back.
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| Truthful Lies |
| 10.11.03 (6:44 pm) [edit] |
A few hours ago, I talked to two people I've gotten into fights with in the last few months.
One of the two told me not to talk to him anymore if I wasn't going to talk to him [i]often[/i]. I smiled and said I understood, then I truthfully said good bye... forever.
The other one, I apologized to. I figure he was probably right about maybe [i]some[/i] things, but that didn't matter to me. What mattered was that I let him know I wasn't holding a grudge, because I don't hold grudges. I told him I'd try to be honest from now on. No more pretending to be cool with it if I actually don't want to talk to him.
[i]No more lying.[/i]
They wanted my opinion, they got it. People accuse me of curving my words not to hurt people's feelings, and I do [i]curve[/i] my words, but I don't lie. [i]Not anymore, anyway[/i].
The truth may be hard to embrace and to let go of, but in the long run, believe me. It feels a [i]lot[/i] better than lying. Take it from someone who lies all the time.
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| Promoting Sarcasm |
| 10.06.03 (9:45 pm) [edit] |
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Everything I know, I learned from school: Always put your best effort into it. Because you will most likely get the same grade as the people who do the minimum requirements. You should always tell the truth, so everyone can laugh at you and tell you how they [i]lied[/i] and got away with their bullshit. Honestly, a teacher can yell at you and say "go to the principal" but there's no barrier between you and the open classroom door or the door of your car. Just a pissed off [i]voice[/i] and your secret fear of it. Being exceptional is great, honestly, people get to gossip about you all the time. It's the life of a [i]star[/i].
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| Not So Unique |
| 10.06.03 (6:51 pm) [edit] |
I was walking to class today when I spotted a huge group of Asian girls walking my way. They all had medium-long straight hair parted exactly in the middle black-glowing-dark-brown- under-the-sun gracefully flowing over their shoulders in the slight breeze. Yes. [i]All[/i] of them.
Dammit, I hate my hair. Cannot look like typical pretty goody-goody Asian sophisticated school-girl. Must... be... SPECIAL!
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| Morbid Me |
| 10.06.03 (3:49 pm) [edit] |
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Somebody called me morbid today. I'm not morbid, I hate morbid things. I think it's because I suggested hanging paper-mache dead birds in a tree for the site-specific studio art project. That's not morbid, is it? Deleting old blog entries is very tempting right now. I'm a bit too picky I suppose. I told Anthony that his Nine Inch Nails CD was too slow for me. He seemed both surprised and pleased with that answer and gave me another one, only everything is fast. I like it a [i]lot[/i] more.
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| Escape |
| 10.05.03 (11:04 pm) [edit] |
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And so she ran, she ran and she ran and she never looked back. She ran away from everyone, she took away her heart but she left her body. Two lives, one soul, two stories, one purpose. She sent her gratitude, she sent her love, she sent her tears and her message, but she kept the truth. She kept that with her. An empty body falling through its eternal dive without a soul, waiting for its return, the return of its master. But would she return? Maybe, maybe... [i]but maybe not[/i].
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| Demolition |
| 10.05.03 (8:42 am) [edit] |
I [i]do[/i] delete blog entries.
[u]Eternal[/u], [i]adj.[/i] everlasting.
[u]Dive[/u], [i]n.[/i] plunge downward head first.
It's not a gravitational pull by accident. It's an intentional leap.
Don't ever forget that.
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| The Quiet Girl |
| 10.04.03 (2:54 pm) [edit] |
I am a quiet person. Everyone says so. Wherever I go, people have to ask me to repeat myself twice cause I'm so damn [i]quiet[/i]. I'm absent-minded. Always lost in thought. My mind wanders place to place. I have problems focusing. Yesterday they asked me if I was tired. I said no. I didn't tell them I was just zoning out. People used to ask me, "Why don't you talk more?"
My answer, "I don't have anything to say."
I'm not a very interesting person. When I went on a date with someone last year he asked me why I was so quiet. "I know the first date makes you shy and awkward, but not [i]this[/i] shy," he said to me.
I didn't know how to tell him I just didn't have anything to say to him.
What do I say? What can I say that won't screw everything up? I bite my tongue. I think. I wait. I'm always afraid I'll come out sounding stupid.
I don't have anything to say.
[i]Because I don't have anything I'm comfortable saying.[/i]
I burn up inside, bottled up inside, I want to talk, but I can't talk. What goes on underneath those calm, wandering eyes. What goes on under that peaceful, serene exterior.
I'm the quiet girl, and no one can change that.
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| A Song Within |
| 10.01.03 (10:04 pm) [edit] |
I've never felt so calm and inspired at the same time. Like I'm in the right place, in the right time, and I'm doing the right thing. Like I was sent to love you, to fall for you more every day. No matter what people say, no matter what people believe, my love for you comforts me. One day they'll learn to see it. They'll learn what's in your heart and what's in mine.
My heart's singing. There's a song within and I can hear it. It's singing of truth, of trust, of love. [i]It's singing for you[/i]. I wish you could hear it... It's another long night alone without you.
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