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| Fuck it |
| 11.26.03 (5:29 pm) [edit] |
No one's taking me seriously. I've been [i]slaving[/i] away over my college essay for three days STRAIGHT without having any fun and all my parents can say is, "Well, why are you slacking off? I thought you said you'd get it done by today!"
No!!! Dammit, [i]you[/i] said that!!!
I'm doing what I can and people don't think I'm fucking [i]focusing[/i], in school my teachers are all worried about my Quest project, WHY!?? Holy crap I have a consultant and I have a plan and I ALREADY HAVE MY SERVICE PLAN and we're not supposed to be working on that until next month? What is everyone so WORRIED about?!?!?
Yeah, go ahead and tell me I'm talented and smart and whatever the hell you want and say "This will take you far in life, you're special!" and then turn around and go "YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANYWHERE IN LIFE!" WTF?!?? WHat DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?!?!?!?!?!?!? WHAT ELSE DO YOU FUCKING WANT ME TO DO?!?! Why are you ACTING LIKE I DONT CARE ABOUT SCHOOL I DO!!!!!! I've been bloody TRYING too LOOK I have like 5 A's right now and I can garauntee you ALL 6 by the end of the semester!!!! My dad was mad cause he thought I was the top of the class with like an A+ in chem, but no, I was at the top with only an A-, he's like "Is that right?? Maybe you have a bad class" I'm like HOW ABOUT MY CHEM TEACHER IS HARD?? WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT?!?!? I dont even think he was even happy with parent teacher conferences hm no matter WHAT I do you're always gonna expect more, I could be getting like over 100 percent in every class and you'll raise your expectations to expect 200 PERCENT cause you NEVER THINK IM TRYING MY BEST because YOU DONT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY cause YOU THINK IM ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS SLACKING OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Both my parents bitched at me about college apps a few days ago then me and my mum got into this bigass discussion in the car then shes like "YOUR NOT TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY!!" and then afterwards when i called her asking if she could bring my piano books cause I didnt know I was sposed to bloody perform for the senior people she's like "... Hm I dunno, dad you wanna do it?" but he didnt wanna either. Yea they're busy but I think they were just mad at me too.
Oh well FUCK IT cause i did good anyways without the books AND i got an invitation to come back and play on a regular basis. HAHAHHAHA TAKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!
GODAMMIT FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sheesh. Fuck people they're stupid, whaddya expect, me to pull from C's to A's at the snap of your fingers? I'M STILL not happy being here, but you think I am because at least I can pull decent grades now, you're all soo blind, you're so blind it's funny.
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| Recycling Your Life |
| 11.25.03 (2:42 pm) [edit] |
Something's not right. Last year was horrible, wasn't it? [i]Yeah, it was[/i]. I wouldn't give anything to live through it again, right? [i]That's right[/i]. Do I feel in control right now? [i]Yeah, I do[/i]. Am I happy? [i]Yes, I am[/i]. So, what's wrong?
It's starting to go back to where it was again. [i]It's starting to be perfect again[/i].
And don't we all remember what happened the last time Haku's life was perfect? [i]Yes, we remember[/i].
Then what happened?
[i]She went insane.[/i]
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| Forever |
| 11.25.03 (12:04 am) [edit] |
I LOVE FRANK SO MUCH, SO DAMN MUCH, SO DAMN FUCKING FUCKING MUCH!!!!!! I suppose you're wondering what's inspired me to say this, well the truth is, NOTHING! I just DO!!!!!!!!
Crap, my ear feels like crap.
FRANK I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| 17 November |
| 11.17.03 (10:20 pm) [edit] |
Well, today was my last birthday as an official [i]kid[/i]. One more year and I'll be 18, the age were you're no longer considered a kid. It doesn't feel right. I'm not ready to grow up, I'm still just a little kid.
So many people were nice to me today. So many people told me, "Happy birthday!" So many little presents... All these things that I felt like I didn't deserve. Even now, my dad's voice still echoes in my head. It echoes in everything I do and it echoes everywhere I go: [i]selfish monster. Selfish monster. Selfish monster.[/i]
I try to make myself feel better. Okay, so I got Mylan a Kingdom Hearts t-shirt for her birthday. I took her out to see a PG-13 movie since she just turned 13, and for one whole day, it was just me and her shopping. I didn't get my mom anything, but I thought it was nice that I at least showed up and took pictures for the whole family, and then my dad bitches at me for not getting her anything. For Quynh Anh, I got her a few small items. Then I could tell that my parents didn't think it was enough. So later that week I went out and bought her even [i]more[/i] stuff.
A birthday is a birthday. I love my sisters, I love it when they're happy. But this whole deal with parents bitching at me about getting presents is making me believe that making people happy is about [i]material comfort[/i]. They're kids, so they want material comfort.
I told little Thu today that I felt bad that so many people were paying attention to me. I honestly didn't feel that I deserved it. I said I don't give to people enough, so I didn't expect anything at all, so I felt bad that I was getting what attention I was getting.
And she said to me, "It's okay, you've given lots of gifts!"
"Yeah? Like what?"
"[i]Love[/i]."
Damn me if an 8-year-old can understand something like that.
Downstairs, I fought to look happy. I appreciated everything so much but I didn't know how I should act to show them just [i]how much[/i]. Hugs and kisses don't seem to work because I give those everyday whenever I have the chance. [i]Selfish monster.[/i] The more people did for me, the more I felt my insides crumbling and being crushed. What did I do to deserve all this? [i]Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.[/i]
[i]I feel like I've done nothing.[/i]
[i]You're a selfish monster, Aivi. You should try making somebody happy by giving them a small gift out of nowhere. See how it makes you feel. It makes you feel good.[/i]
Why are you telling me what I already know... Why are you telling me what I already do...
[i]You don't do enough.[/i]
[i]You're so selfish...[/i]
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| Drive |
| 11.16.03 (9:15 am) [edit] |
If you think about it, the ultimate goal in life is to get to the point where you have no goals anymore. [i]Why do you try?[/i] Isn't it so that in the end, you won't have to try anymore? [i]Isn't it?[/i]
But the thing is, there's [i]always[/i] something you'll be striving for. Right now my goal is to get into college. Alright, so what's gonna happen after that? [i]I don't know. [/i]For all I know my life will be over right there. But when I get there, I'll inevitably have a bunch of other goals too. I think if I ever find myself goal-less and unmotivated then there's something wrong with me. [i]There was before.[/i]
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| No Pre-Teens Dammit!!! |
| 11.14.03 (4:59 pm) [edit] |
What rating is your journal?
brought to you by Quizilla
Schoolgirl
What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla
No one would really know your name. You would be
called by what you do. For example, if you burn
your victims to death all the time, you would
be known as The Arsonist, or if you knife them,
you would be known as The Slasher. You would be
the mysterious killer who strikes at sporadic
times, and would be very difficult to catch.
You might dress up and mask yourself when you
perform your horrible killings. Your identity
would really be a mystery. Obviously you would
be wanted all over the place, and authorities
would desperately try to capture you. Even if
you were caught, you would not say much. The
public would greatly fear you because you could
just strike unexpectedly.
What Would Your Serial Killer Name Be? What Would the Public Know You As?
brought to you by Quizilla
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| You Deserve It |
| 11.11.03 (11:29 pm) [edit] |
I haven't written anything for days. So, let's see what angsty feelings I can conjure at the moment.
...
Well, that's a bit odd. They've disappeared.
But I know they're in there somewhere.
[i]I see you. I've found you. Come out now, don't try to hide.[/i]
And they allude my grasp again.
Well, that's weird.
The only thing I can tell you now, is that I don't trust you. [i]All of you[/i]. Why am I telling you this? [i]Because I trust all of you.[/i] What, what? I won't tell you things because I trust you? [i]Something like that.[/i] So what's with the sudden entry? Why am I writing all of this? [i]Because you deserve it.[/i] All of you. [i]All of me.[/i]
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| Amnesia |
| 11.08.03 (1:03 am) [edit] |
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I came back just to say I don't know what I'll be saying anymore. I don't want you to know anything about me anymore. I'm sorry but I don't.
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| Hmm |
| 11.05.03 (4:54 am) [edit] |
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[i]Daaamnn[/i], I'm finally going to bed now!!! *drumdance* Happiness!!! Kind of... well, I feel awake now, and I didn't sleep, like, at all, but I know I'm gonna get sleepy later in the day. Aw man.
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| Scorpio Territory |
| 11.05.03 (3:26 am) [edit] |
Welcome to Scorpio Territory. Please enjoy the ride until your tour guide for Sagittarius comes on November 22nd. This is pretty much here for my reference, but you can read it too, cause I don't care. Just little clips of Scorpio stuff I've found that I think fits me totally. Italicized the especially neat stuff. ^_^
[u]Scorpio[/u]
October 23 - November 21
When your heart is gently touched, it is apt to feel loving, generous, and supportive of everyone around, dear Scorpio. If your heart is lonely, it is apt to feel deserted by everyone on Earth. It would be impossible to try to make rational sense of why things always need to be so extreme for you, but the fact of the matter is, you don't need to try to figure it out rationally. [b][i]You only need to accept the fact that this is the way you feel[/i][/b].
[u]Empowered Expression:[/u]
Knowing that your [i][b]true power lies within [/b][/i]and not from any external source allows you to be fully alive, empowered and transformed. When you carry your authentic power in you, other people see and learn how to do the same. This gives you the soul power to transform your world through example rather than through manipulation. The ability to perceptively penetrate to the core of things to find the truth. Life unveils its mysteries to the enquiring intensity of Scorpio energy, leaving empowered Scorpio with powerful perceptual skills and insight. There is an unmistakable depth and intensity to you and a labyrinth of avenues to your heart. Using the power of self-analysis Scorpio brings truth to the saying, "Know thy self." Death is known as transformation. [i]Bringing light to the dark[/i].
[u]Fear Based Expression:[/u]
Shame burns a deep inner wound that causes Fear based Scorpio to lash out with venom when wounds are triggered. Dark emotions and deep hurt are like waters that once brought pain & now lie stagnant, being held within to turn toxic doing more damage to the self than to others in the end. Feeling unwilling to forgive and driving to stay in control. [i][b]Being secretive and hiding the true self for fear of vulnerability. [/b][/i][b][i]Transformat ion feels like death[/i][/b]. [b][i]Bringing dark to the light[/i].[/b]
[u]Greatest power comes from:[/u]
[b][i]"My roots reach to hell and my branches reach to heaven."[/i][/b]
Power. It's all about power, and no one knows personal power better than Scorpio. Never superficial, always with a fairly profound insight, Scorpio is indeed a powerful being, at best in the light and shining when her motive is to help the soul in front of her.
The Scorpion, tiny as she is, is more powerful than any beast that walks the land. One sting and, if not dead, we are incapacitated. When Scorpio feels a little unloved, injured, or just for kicks, she can dig into anyone with her powerful stinger and rob their energy. This may occur on an emotional level and can be devastating for some of the less powerful signs.
Trust is not given out freely, no, you have to earn that and you will be tested regularly. If they let you in close enough to like you then you are close enough to be honored with one of their many tests. The tests are scrupulously designed to go unnoticed but they are effective in catching inconsistencies. They can hear your words but can only believe what your feelings are really saying. [i][b]Catching lies is a pastime for the Scorpio and it's never shocking for them, in a way, they expect you to withhold some of the truth in order to protect yourself, naturally this is because they are doing the same thing.[/b][/i]
Because of both their astute ability to read the undercurrent of feelings (eons of training below the ocean surface) combined with their super conscious self-evaluations, Scorpios assume that others are as aware of their motivations as the Scorpio is and this causes a great deal of problems for a sign that is [b]desperately trying to learn to trust[/b].
[u][i][b][u]Scorpios hate public display [/u][/b][/i]and have a need for privacy that surpasses any other sign. They want to be in charge of what in them you are allowed see. Too much exposure, too quickly, makes them an easy target for your judgments. With this in mind, the Scorpio develops the skills of a great listener with a charm and strength that gets the message out quite strongly, "You can trust me with your darkest secrets." and indeed you can. [/u]
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| Time Flies |
| 11.04.03 (1:56 am) [edit] |
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And I miss you again. I really don't know how I do this every night, I really don't. Time goes by so fast. Maybe that's how. I can't wait to see you again... because I just miss you, hehe... I feel so nice and at ease with you, yet I also feel like I'm not quite there yet, but I'll get there. You're my only comfort nowadays, honestly. My only hope, my one and only love. [i]Sweet dreams... I'll be waiting to see you again.[/i]
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| Erasing Time |
| 11.04.03 (1:41 am) [edit] |
Too many people reading, too many people know... So many people who [i]want[/i] to know but can't. Have to transfer everything quickly, have to delete everything here... [i]Leave no footsteps, leave no evidence.[/i]
I feel out of place on Tblog now. To be honest, I don't want to be noticed anymore. That's why I'm packing up and moving my innermost thoughts somewhere else. Actually, my innermost thoughts stay inside my head, cause really, that's the best journal ever. But I've been feeling so shy about posting things here, because now I know so many people are watching me. But this place can still be my public show, yes it can... Even people from school are asking if they can have the link to my blog, and I tell them [i]no[/i].
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