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| Loosen Up |
| 03.31.04 (10:44 pm) [edit] |
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| 25 Hours A Day |
| 03.31.04 (10:29 pm) [edit] |
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I have 25 hours worth of songs on my playlist now. I basically threw everything that I don't mind hearing onto it. Doubt I'll be changing it for awhile. Well. I skip songs.
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| Label You This |
| 03.31.04 (9:23 pm) [edit] |
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Blahblahblah. Shut the fuck up. I have stuff to do. Hey you, just shut the fuck up, what makes you so special too? Miss pissy is messed cause shit comes out of nowhere, [i]nowhere[/i] I say, and nobody can figure out why, why, WHY. Fuck, fuck, FUCK. Killing time, come back, I didn't mean it, yes I did. Shut the fuck up. Go away, leave me alone, don't go anywhere, stay here, why should I? Don't ask me, ask [i]yourself[/i] why you should, you and your fucked up self like me by my fucked up onesy, must I remind you why I'm here? Because I don't want to be here, that's why I'm here, what's wrong, bitch? Get up, get up and face me. What's another fairytale in a world of none? It's nothing, that's what it is. Learn the meaning before you call yourself that. You irritate me, everything about you and this place sickens me. It's not what I thought. Nothing is ever what I think it is, cause something so simple in my head, something so possible is impossible to so many. How dark does it have to be to make a person normal? All you people bragging about how you can't be labeled, shut the fuck up, cause if you don't wanna be categorized, then the categories can't exist. Fucking people.
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| Relating Revelations |
| 03.22.04 (10:39 pm) [edit] |
It's the coolest feeling for me to be able to connect and actually relate to song lyrics... Cause I feel so sheltered and innocent in this life, a lot of times I think, "God, I can't really relate to anything I hear." But there are some songs I can connect to, that I feel like it might as well be written about me, and it's really a great feeling to think that I can actually relate to someone else for once.
Does this entry title even make sense? I'm so sleepy and dizzy I can't tell if it makes any sense.
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| Midnight in a Perfect World |
| 03.21.04 (4:40 pm) [edit] |
The eyes are pleading. [i]Go away and don't come back.[/i] Two cents to pay. [i]I really want you to stay.[/i] The lips move but the mouth doesn't speak. [i]What did you say?[/i] The lips silence and the answer comes. [i]Don't worry about what I said...[/i]
It'd be total bliss. [i]Alone in the dark.[/i] Something so simple, something so wonderful. When your life involves somebody you [i]want[/i] in it, the way you [i]want[/i] them be, and [i]they[/i] want it like that too. Perfection does exist in this world. [i]If you let it exist.[/i] Wouldn't you say?
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| Songs of Sexiness |
| 03.20.04 (8:09 pm) [edit] |
Holy shit, "To Be With You" by Hoobastank is such a sexy song. I'm listening to the lyrics and his voice is all gentle when he's like, "Make me feel again... Slide across my skin again... Let me uncover you, to discover you... And I will open up, if you promise to give in, on this perfect night..." The guitar chords are so sly and mysterious, and the song is unhurried, seductively dragging on like there's no yesterday and no tomorrow and ohhhh! I get lost in it and it's so sexy it turns me on. "We will be again another time, no matter what the others say..." Sexy, sexy song.
"Tomorrow Never Dies" by Sheryl Crow and "The World Is Not Enough" by Garbage are pretty seductive too. Draw you into the melody, they does, they does.
"Santa Baby" is sexy... but... it scares the shit outta me. Maybe I'm homo-song-o-phobic. I'm scared of seductive songs sung by female artists.
"Your Body Is A Wonderland" by John Mayer is like the sweetest song... Imagine if every guy on this planet was sensitive and romantic like that. "There's something about the way your hair falls on your face... I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillow case. You tell me where to go, and though I might leave to find it, I'll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it..."
I mean, it beats all the hiphop songs nowadays... Those are like... wow. Haha. Yeah, I suppose hiphop captures the more racy, indulgent side of life. I mean, look at Holidae Inn for example. I'm not saying it's a [i]bad[/i] way of life, but I'd rather stay away from it.
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| Fuckle and Management |
| 03.20.04 (8:35 am) [edit] |
OK. I've finally managed to make a playlist that hopefully won't change much for at least the next 30 minutes. Hehe, I'm so fickle... Everytime I try to type "fickle" it keeps coming out as "fuckle."
Anyway, here it is:
Death Cab for Cutie - I Was A Kaleidoscope
Death Cab for Cutie - Company Calls
Death Cab for Cutie - Song For Kelly Huckaby
The Ataris - Takeoffs and Landings
The Ataris - In This Diary
The Ataris - Summer Wind Was Always Our Song
Hoobastank - From The Heart
Hoobastank - Pieces
Hoobastank - To Be With You
Incubus - I Wish You Were Here
Garbage - Cherry Lips
Jimmy Eat World - Sweetness
Kylie Minogue - Love At First Sight
Liz Phaire - Extraordinary
Nada Surf - The Way You Wear Your Head
Smashing Pumpkins - 1979
The Beach Boys - Wouldn't It Be Nice
Trapt - Headstrong
Lillix - What I Like About You
Carl Cox - Phuture 2000 (Hybrid Remix)
Ceiba - Linaga
DJ Shadow - Midnight In A Perfect World
Kingdom Hearts - Another Side
Shuffled, of course.
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| Doubtfully Depressed |
| 03.18.04 (7:47 pm) [edit] |
I have four letters of university acceptance here in my hand. That's four out of the five I applied to so far. I'm waiting for the fifth to respond, it's a bit of a long shot but I guess I'm biting my lip. Daddy called yesterday and told me not to lose hope. Now that's ironic, cause a week ago he was telling me he didn't think I'd make it.
I dunno why, but suddenly I got really depressed looking at all these letters... Today was a really depressing day. During advisory I sat there writing rapidly into my journal and my handwriting went from insanely neat and pretty to insanely illegible and swift. The one good thing about having allergies in spring is that no one can tell the difference between a person with allergies and a person who's really crying. [i]Have I ever lost it before?[/i] It was so illogical. There was no reason I could think of for doing it. The later nausea and the headache that obviously was caused by a slip of the mind. Sad, mad, sad. What was my problem? You know, I'm still not sure.
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| I Was A Kaleidoscope |
| 03.18.04 (4:10 pm) [edit] |
I kind of like talking to myself. It's comforting.
I've always wondered what my favorite bands are. It's hard for me to decide, cause I keep wavering back and forth, becoming obsessed and unobsessed. I like Linkin Park, but everybody likes Linkin Park, and I feel bad cause I wanna be able to find something on my own and say it's my favorite. I wanna like a group that's underrated. When I talked to Kate today, she introduced me to some of the music that she listens to. I asked her where she hears about all these different groups, and she said, "Just around. Go into an emo chat room or something, you'll hear a lot of different names."
Well, I won't go that far. But I'm looking around at different things, and you know, I just need something that I'm in the mood for. Stuff that's unheard of. There's a lot of loose natural-sounding alternative stuff that sounds good, and I guess it's called "emo". Emo sorta has a bad connotation in my mind though, for some reason.
"I was a kaleidoscope..."
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| Black Coffee |
| 03.17.04 (10:55 pm) [edit] |
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Yeah, it was colorful last night. Yeah, it's back to my coffee world of gray and brown. Too many pictures and colors, too overwhelming... And honestly, that's the only picture I wanna look at. It brings back nice memories.
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| Off My Ass |
| 03.17.04 (8:57 pm) [edit] |
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I am bored off my ass. It's quite depressing that I write the way I used to in this blog in another blog now. Because I'm familiar with this place, and I know people, and people know who I talk about. And stuff. What is this place now? Somewhere I don't want to be at the moment.
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| Changing Abstractions |
| 03.16.04 (11:45 pm) [edit] |
Color. Life is bright. Life is beautiful. That might sound weird coming from me, but it really is.
I've decided, I don't really care what you people think anymore. I'm gonna post what I want. Put up whatever pictures I want. I'm tired of running from journal to journal because I wanna express something that would be inappropriate for one or the other. I try being free but I guess subconsciously I still have those limits, and I'll alway shave those limits, but I simply don't care right now. No, I'm not mad at you or anything like that.
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| Wouldn't It Be Nice |
| 03.16.04 (11:10 pm) [edit] |
Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
And we wouldn't have to wait so long?
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong?
You know it's gonna make it that much better
When we can say "good night" and stay together...
Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning, when the day is new
And after having spent the day together,
Hold eachother close the whole night through
The happy times together we'd be spending
I wish that every kiss was never-ending
Oh, wouldn't it be nice?
Maybe if we think, and wish, and hope, and pray,
It might come true
Baby then, there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be married
And then we'd be happy
Oh, wouldn't it be nice?
You know, it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But let's talk about it
Oh, wouldn't it be nice?
Good night, baby
Sleep tight, baby
[i]Wouldn't It Be Nice[/i]
by the Beach Boys
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| You're Delaying This Purposely |
| 03.12.04 (9:16 pm) [edit] |
Somebody called me and asked me to play piano for them over the phone. [i]Why?[/i] Somebody was super sick and was sore all over and was having a hard time sleeping. [i]But piano? [/i]This Somebody wanted to know if I could play piano to comfort them until they fell asleep. [i]Maybe you're that boring?[/i] Maybe. [i]Maybe you're that soothing?[/i] Maybe. Caught me by surprise, though. I stumbled downstairs, awkwardly pulled out some music, and started playing.
Somebody's faint voice came through the reciever, "Wow... d'you think I'll be able to play that... before I go to New York..."
I assured Somebody that it'd be a cakewalk for them. They asked me to play another song.
I've been looking into music and its influence on people lately. I never expected something like this to happen first-hand. I'm just really surprised I'd get asked to do something like that.
In the words of Frank:
The End.
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| Naked Neck |
| 03.11.04 (10:59 pm) [edit] |
I reached for my neck to grasp the necklace and the ring. Then I realized they weren't there. I'd taken them off cause the doctor made us remove all jewlery from the neck and up.
I just fished the chain, the Buddha, and the ring out of my purse. Surprisingly they all stayed together. The chain's knotted and curled around the ring. [i]Wrapping my arms around you[/i]. The Buddha really doesn't have to be next to the ring but it's just there. [i]Can't stand being away from you[/i].
I used to have nightmares a lot when I was a kid. My mum told me to hold onto the Buddha and chant something in Vietnamese over and over again and I'd be protected from my dreams. Whenever I get scared I still grab onto it. It's a comfort. Whenever I get lonely I grab onto the ring. That's a comfort too. Promise you'll come back. [i]I promise it'll be worth it[/i] Come back to me soon. [i]I miss you, I love you[/i].
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| New Layout | v.9 Gotta Get Through This |
| 03.11.04 (9:08 pm) [edit] |
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Dammit, look what this song made me do. I love this song. Damn black and white layout. It feels odd having a solid black-or-white kinda layout, but it's soothing to my eyes.
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| Infection |
| 03.10.04 (10:19 pm) [edit] |
Wonderful infection. There will be pain tomorrow if I don't try. There will be sadness the day after if I don't try. I've got to try and try until I can't try anymore. Every day, gotta push yourself and keep pushing it. Against the will is supposed to be good. Take care of the infection. Bite down the words. Keep it under control, and just try to relax. Try to play it cool.
[i]Surely one more moment couldn't break my heart...[/i]
I keep saying that every night. Keep forgetting. Keep saying it over and over again. Keep trying.
But I've got to take care of the infection. I have to see a doctor. Hurt is not painful, is it? But it is both. Love and hurt, hand in hand, like chocolate on brownies and white on rice, you and me and cry crycrycrycrytearcry.
I've got to keep trying or the infection won't ever go away.
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| Ring Ring |
| 03.08.04 (10:25 pm) [edit] |
Cellie info that I was not aware of until I pestered my parents into telling me tonight:
- [b]There is no charge for long distance.[/b]
- Weekdays (6 AM - 9 PM) are allowed about 200 minutes per month. (approx. 10 minutes a day)
- Weeknights (9 PM - 6 AM) are allowed about 1000 minutes per month. (approx. 50 minutes a day)
- Weekends (Friday 9 PM - Monday 6 AM) are unlimited.
- As long as you stay within the limit, there will be no additional charges.
- However, calls [i]recieved[/i] unfortunately also eat into your minutes.
And the world suddenly feels like a much more beautiful place.
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| Sorrows in Silence |
| 03.08.04 (9:26 pm) [edit] |
Sometimes I get so hurt that I can't even talk. I can't say what I'm thinking or what's bothering me, because so many things are wrong, and everything's wrong, things I haven't been able to tell because it hurts to make sense of it and talk. I just wanna curl into a little ball and cry and be silent.
Sometimes I get scared that not everything is gonna be what I think it is. That maybe I have a fairytale in my mind but in the real world it won't end up being that way. I've seen it happen and I'm already scared for myself, and I'm trying not to be disillusioned by anything but it's so hard to know what's fake and what's not.
My dad was so cool tonight. He saw me crying and asked what was wrong. I said nothing was wrong, and I lied and explained I was just tired and ready to crash onto my bed. But I guess he didn't buy that, cause then he came into my room and turned on the light, then sat down on my bed and asked if I'd gotten into a fight with Frank. I laughed and said no, I just missed Frank a lot. Then he was like, "Go play piano and relieve your sorrows."
And for some reason, I really needed to hear that.
So I am going to play piano now.
[i]Suddenly I'm tasting you now...[/i]
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| Fluffy Kitty Lover |
| 03.04.04 (10:59 pm) [edit] |
I knew it! My mum likes fluffy laundry stuff. She's always acting like she hates my cat, but after she gives him a shower and he becomes this adorable clean silky fluffy cute thing, she suddenly loves him. She goes, "Aw!" and talks to him like a baby, then she's like, "Come here, boy!" and she lets him sleep on our beds if he wants. Then my cat goes back to normal and she's mean to him again.
Yeah, my mom likes fluffy stuff.
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| Ambushed by Night |
| 03.03.04 (4:37 pm) [edit] |
To be honest, I'm really surprised.
You're Element is Night. You're a loner who is very
creative but never show your work to anyone.
You may smile a little but sadness or
loneliness surround you and other can feel it
when they're near you. You have a dark or
unusual beauty that makes you mysterious and
you probably have a lot of secrets that you've
never told anyone. You're beauty is intriging
and unorthidox but the real thing that makes
you special is your eyes. Something in them
makes them like "Diamonds in the
Rough."
What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla
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| The Wall of Psycho |
| 03.03.04 (4:25 pm) [edit] |
I'm really bored of drawing these big pretty artworks and painting things that look so well reserved and... anyway, that's not important. I'm starting my Wall of Psycho now! I have four artworks to go on it so far. It feels so nice being free and unrestrained and not worrying about how bad the picture looks. It's super different than all my other art, but I really like it.
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| The Sun in the Dark |
| 03.02.04 (7:44 pm) [edit] |
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Happy one year anniversary to the month I tried to run away twice. The air was warmer today, and I smelled it, I smelled my time of despair, and anger, and that hole in hell I was starting to dig myself into. It's just the way it was last year, with the sun shining down on darkness. I can't believe it's already been a whole year! I feel like a different person when I walk through the hallways now, but I smell the air, and I remember everything, and it haunts and horrifies me to think it was a year ago. I'd forgotten all about the feeling until I smelled it again. Time flies, it really does.
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| Forcably |
| 03.01.04 (11:44 pm) [edit] |
Why do I always do this... why can't I ever go to bed on time... what keeps me up... what forces me to stay awake, away from the warm covers waiting for me, and turning ice cold by the time I get there?
I just wanna hold Frank and curl up and fall asleep... why can't I do that? Why can't I just go to sleep...
What was I doing, what was I thinking about? And then the answer is, I wasn't really doing anything, and I wasn't really thinking about anything. How did two hours of nothingness fly by without me noticing?
I haven't even touched the rest of my homework... But I told Frank I'd join him as soon as possible... It makes me so mad to still be sitting here, even though I'd said that to him.
I suppose I'll be staying up late again tonight. But I don't want to stay up late. I want to sleep and rest. But I can't. It's times like this I always get so frustrated, and I wish I could turn back the clock and get a hold of the me from two hours ago so by now, I could be safe, and warm, and sleeping, instead of sitting here cold by myself, hearing the rain, the howling wind, the violent shaking of my windows, feeling sorry for myself knowing I'm gonna be up for another few hours and yelling at myself, why, dammit, why?
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