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| I Have Been Inspired |
| 04.24.04 (3:18 pm) [edit] |
Bwaaaaaaah. COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wanna write a song.
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| Harmful Healing |
| 04.24.04 (12:39 pm) [edit] |
Sometimes I wonder if having this journal does more bad than good for me...
It's my only place to negatively vent, yeah... But it makes me feel like it's okay to be negative, like I can be honest with myself, and the more negative I am the more I get sucked into it. I do a lot of healing to myself using this blog, but I also do a lot of self-damage, and I just feel stuck, because I really need to be able to vent, and I'll go crazy if I start keeping everything inside again...
But... I'm like, totally destroying myself.
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| Wasted |
| 04.24.04 (12:20 pm) [edit] |
All that could have been me...
Was wasted
What's another minute in a lifetime of many?
I'll take my time, take it slow
What's another mistake when nothing and everything
Broken can be mended
I'll do it my way, the way I want
With every future created,
Another is lost
My life is my loss
But you have to understand that there is only one
There is only one throb
One pulse
One lifeline of percussion
Only one thing will beat you to keep you alive
When you're down below me
Hanging on the line of decay
Thread pulled this way, snapped that way
Did you want me to save you?
I can be anything you want me to be
A bread crumb over my head
Pick it out
And don't tell me you won't eat it
Eat me, I beg you
And swallow me whole.
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| Preparing For Prom |
| 04.21.04 (7:14 pm) [edit] |
So, I have quite a few things to do before prom. I gotta send my prom contract all the way to Michigan and get Frank's and his parent's and his school administrator's signature, plus a business card, and Frank's school ID number. Then I have to get the assistant principal to check my credits (dude, I have enough to graduate already) and sign the damn paper. Then I need the attendance clerk to check that I haven't cut any classes, and sign the damn paper. And I need the librarians to check that I have no overdue books, and also sign the damn paper.
It'll feel quite nice having our signatures and info crap on the same piece of paper though. And in the contract it states, "We desire to participate in Irvington High School's Senior Ball on May 8th, 2004, and we agree to the following..." Note the we. Isn't that so nice? I'm such a saphead.
With that contract I'll need to get prom tickets for both of us, when they go on sale. And Jocelyn wants to rent a limo, so I magically need a fricken huge wallet to take care of two people. Damn, that girl needs to find a better limo service, that price is so wrong.
And I have to get Frank a one-year anniversary present and save a little so we can go to dinner alone that night, before prom. And I talked to my mum and I think I've found a nice place.
Then I have to turn in all my missing shit and bump up a grade or two so I can be the picture-perfect student that my parents require me to be.
Then I have to get a freakin' dress.
Dude, how much effort does it take to go to a dance?!
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| Artist's Secret |
| 04.19.04 (8:18 pm) [edit] |
In art, truth and reality begin when you no longer understand anything you do or know and there is remaining in you an energy that is all the more strong for being balanced by opposition, compressed, condensed.
Then you must present yourself with the greatest humility, complete blank, pure, candid, your brain seeming empty in the spiritual state...
- Anonymous Musician
But it's very true, you know? Bless the genius who put that into words.
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| New Layout |
| 04.19.04 (8:05 pm) [edit] |
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Yay! Like it, like it? That's right. That girl in my header is Sirius, my character, online alter-ego, or whatever you'd like to call her. Steal my beautiful drawing and you die.
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| Double-Faced |
| 04.19.04 (4:39 pm) [edit] |
If you're sick of my depressing shit, head on over to
http://xanga.com/timeskar" title="http://xanga.com/timeskar" target="_blank"http://xanga.com/timeskar for a more positive look on my life because here happens to be where I dump my depressing shit. It's where I vent. And I'm sure somebody's getting sick of these same old complaints.
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| Heavy Lipids |
| 04.19.04 (4:35 pm) [edit] |
I'm 5'3" and 105 pounds.
I know I'm light.
I've lost like 5-10 pounds in the last year.
But I feel extremely fatter than I was. Am I?
And I shouldn't. You see, I know I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny either. But I feel like I'm fat, and I can't help it.
I think I'm delusional. I looked around at everyone and said to my mom, "I feel so fat... everyone here is so skinny."
She stared at me strangely and asked, "Where?"
And I said, "Everywhere."
And she said to me, "You're smaller than everyone here."
"Really? Sure doesn't seem like it. Everyone looks skinner than me. I must be delusional."
"You are."
Maybe I feel fat because I know there's still something I can do about my physical appearance... Just think of how I could look if I had the guts to try. But don't go there. This is a matter self-motivation.
Still, feeling fat damages my self esteem and makes it extremely hard to do anything to prevent it. It is so hard forcing myself to do things.
I really am self-destructive, aren't I... I feel worn away as a person, and now that I think about it, all the damage was done by me...
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| Where I Go |
| 04.18.04 (5:41 pm) [edit] |
After much difficult contemplation I have decided that I will be going to the University of California, Davis, given that my appeal letter to UC Berkeley doesn't change anything. I can't believe I'm finally going away. It's a good thing, but it's really scary.
I'm going to go insane in college, I just know it. How am I going to stand staying in one place for four years alone? The longest I've ever stayed anywhere in my life is 5 years, but those 5 years were exciting and full of constant change cause people kept coming and moving away and everyone was a world traveller, just like me.
But yeah, Davis has ducks. That makes all the difference.
At least now that I've made a decision I feel more secure about the future, and I don't really wanna consider the other universities anymore or I'll be thrown back into indecisiveness, and I don't like that feeling.
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| Don't Panic |
| 04.16.04 (11:08 am) [edit] |
Bones sinking like stones, all that we fought for...
Homes, places we've grown, all of us are done for...
But we live in a beautiful world... Yeah we do, yeah we do...
We live in a beautiful world...
Don't Panic
Coldplay
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| Dawn |
| 04.16.04 (6:10 am) [edit] |
Umm. It's sunrise. I'd better go to my room before my parents wake up and piss and scream. My tongue has been burning and hurting all night...
I don't feel like talking much.
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| Damn It To Fuck |
| 04.16.04 (4:04 am) [edit] |
leave me alone... alone... leave me... alone... me... leave alone...
GODDAMNIT fucking LEAVE ME ALONE and get OUT, GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!! GET OUT AND GO AWAY I HATE YOU I HATE YOU GET THE FUCKING HELL AWAY FROM ME I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GODDAMMIT STOP IT SHUT UP SHUT THE HELL UP ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS MIND MIND MIND CLOCKWORK goddamnit I HATE you I HATE you I HATE you I HATE YOU I hate YOU YEAH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! Fucking DIE AND GET AWAY FROM ME cause I HATE you I HATE YOU MORE THAN EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Sixth |
| 04.16.04 (3:59 am) [edit] |
Take me to the sixth station
Leave me alone alone alone alone alone
One way don't ever look back
Never ever get me out I don't want to face this alone
Not what I wanted... not what I wanted...
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| Another |
| 04.16.04 (3:56 am) [edit] |
Another opportunity missed...
I'm always too late.
Let us go feel stupid again and stay up the whole night. Ready fo the all-nighter? Yeah. Yeah. Cry away.
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| Intuitional Rejection |
| 04.16.04 (3:53 am) [edit] |
I'm not gonna make it in. I knew that all along. Why did I waste my time trying...
Why did they waste their time believing, when they thought it all along too...
Why did they talk me into it, when they didn't think I had a chance...
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| Relaxation Til 7 AM |
| 04.16.04 (3:03 am) [edit] |
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Oekaki... relaxing... why haven't I tried this before...
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| When You Look At Me |
| 04.16.04 (2:10 am) [edit] |
![]() =http://img21.photobucket.com/...
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| Utter Silence |
| 04.16.04 (2:09 am) [edit] |
![]() =http://img21.photobucket.com/...
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| Perfection |
| 04.16.04 (1:54 am) [edit] |
Yes, yes, yes, and yes...
No, no, no, and no...
Yes...
Yes...
Yes...
Yes...
[i]No...[/i]
[i]Yes...[/i]
[i]You're perfect...[/i]
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| Sadness Into Anger |
| 04.15.04 (10:55 pm) [edit] |
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Dammit, I'm just going to shut up. I can't predict anything no matter what I think, I won't ever be on time no matter how hard I try, I won't ever understand no matter how much you think I do. I rushed, I ran, I resorted to illegally jaywalking in downtown San Francisco just so I could be here as soon as I could, and yes, yes, yes, I'm late like always.
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| A Few Minutes Too Late |
| 04.15.04 (10:40 pm) [edit] |
No... come back, come back please... unexpected... delayed badly... I didn't... we didn't think that... please come back... come back... come back... come back... come back...
And I'm too late again.
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| Conversations With A Mirror |
| 04.15.04 (12:14 am) [edit] |
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Blame it one way, or blame it the other way. It's your pick. My pick. I could point it at me, or point it away from me. Why can't it just sit there? It doesn't want to sit, don't you see? Don't you understand? It wants to stand up and move and I can't tell it what to do. But you can tell it which way to go. Yeah, yeah, I know. I can. Do. Or not. Why don't we sleep? Sleep, oh, yes, I forget. Silly. I'm sorry. You're not. You're not. I'm not. I don't know which way to point it. It's so extreme. I can be mad at you or I can be mad at the world. Me? Yeah, you. Oh, you can't do that. I just did. You sound insane muttering to yourself like that. Since when do I care, you know. Oh, that's right. Yeah, whatever.
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| Uncontrol |
| 04.15.04 (12:08 am) [edit] |
![]() =http://img21.photobucket.com/...
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| Juxtaposition Body Image |
| 04.15.04 (12:06 am) [edit] |
I feel fat.
I'm not really that fat. So I'm told.
But everytime I look into a mirror, I spy fat.
No joke.
But I can't stop eating.
The worse it gets the more goes in.
It's comforting.
Give up the only thing that makes me feel better.
So I can feel better in a different way.
And then feel worse in a different way.
It will never work out, will it.
Nah.
Always something wrong.
Stupid world.
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| DeviantArt Pofo |
| 04.11.04 (8:00 pm) [edit] |
Well, I have a new deviantArt account.
http://pofo.deviantart.com" title="http://pofo.deviantart.com" target="_blank"http://pofo.deviantart.com
My last username sucked [tiimeskar]. I'm a lot more comfortable with this name.
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| When You Walk Away |
| 04.01.04 (7:48 pm) [edit] |
![]() =http://img21.photobucket.com/...
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| Cold Immersion |
| 04.01.04 (12:56 am) [edit] |
And as I sit here, the world feels cold. [i]Warm up.[/i] But my jacket is in the one place I don't want to go near. [i]The bed.[/i] Don't go there, not yet. The eyes aren't ready to close.
My homework isn't due until Friday, but I really want to get it done tonight.
It feels so nice staring at that picture of us. My mum insisted she and my dad never took pictures of themselves kissing like that, but why compare me and him to her and my dad? We're different people.
The more I hear it, the better silence sounds. My parents worry about me and my relationships a lot more than they worry about my all my sisters', insisting I'm too young to get into these kinds of things, thinking the rest of them are coming clean. And what they don't realize is everything's happening right under their noses, and I, in fact, am [i]behind[/i] the curve in this very household. Just, I choose to open my mouth, because I hate keeping secrets and lying about what I do after school and where I go, and they choose to keep their mouths shut, because they're good at staying out of trouble.
[i]Get lost.[/i] I'm ready to get lost again. Immerse me. [i]Immerse me in you.[/i] You're all I want to see, hear, and feel right now...
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| Countdown |
| 04.01.04 (12:10 am) [edit] |
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