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| Ice Ice Baby |
| 06.30.04 (8:42 am) [edit] |
Hehe, now wasn't that so predictable? Hotmail upgraded to compete with Yahoo! Mail. 250 friggen megabytes!
I've been writing journal entries onto my laptop while we drove from place to place, with no light for writing in a notebook and no net access... When I have something I want to say I just need some way to get it out of me immediately or it'll be lost, and for some reason it's fun seizing all the little moments.
There's something about my dad that drives me mad. Something about him that nobody else has. Every time he talks to me, the way he talks to me happens to trigger my defensive side and I can't help but snap and he snaps back. I understand he's a busy guy but sometimes it feels like he's not really listening to any of us, or understanding what we're saying.
"When are we arriving in DC?"
"Yes, we're going there."
"No, dad, WHEN are we getting there?"
And today:
"I claimed the shower at 1 already."
"Go shower."
"Dad, I said I'm getting in at 1!"
"You showered already?"
"No, I'm GOING to shower at 1!"
"There's no way you already showered, we just GOT here at 1!"
"I didn't shower last night at 1 AM! I'm going to shower TODAY at 1 PM!"
And I can repeat a thousand times what time I'm doing this or that and he won't register it even once.
My mom told me to try speaking to him calmly so he can say, "Oh, my daughter is pretty mature." But I feel even worse now that my mom's telling me what to do, and overall I'm just pissy and mad and I hate talking to my dad.
My feet were hurting so bad yesterday, there's a big, BIG blister on my foot. My mom said she'd switch shoes with me, but I said no, because my dad would get pissy about how I chose the wrong shoes even when he told me not to, and I'd rather accept the consequences of my own actions. My mom said she hated seeing me walk like that cause I was slightly limping and it was on my face, but I told her that hearing my dad bitch at me bothered me more than limping around. She eventually got me to switch shoes with her... Then my dad bitched at me about how I was making my mom suffer by wearing my shoes, and I should've listened to him, and that made me feel extremely horrible because the last thing I wanted to do was hurt my mom, so I nagged my mom for a long time before she reluctantly switched back. She said it was fine by her so I should ignore my dad and she didn't get the big deal, but I told her something about my dad just brought me to sheer madness and walking in my sore feet was a thousand times better than hearing him say, "I told you so - now you shall be repremanded for being a stupid ignorant child! [Bitch bitch]"
And every time I'm around him it feels like he keeps putting me down for having my own opinion by telling me I'm wrong. I'm wrong. I'm young stupid I don't know anything I'm wrong. I shouldn't want this or that, I shouldn't do this or that. Because it's foolish. And wrong. Wrong! It's so wrong to suffer for what I believe in. We wonder why I don't trust myself and why I'm scared to form my own opinions and why I'm afraid to reach out for what I want. I'm scared of being wrong and doing the wrong thing and making things worse! Har!
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| Musical Ignorance |
| 06.27.04 (8:18 pm) [edit] |
Emails exchanged recently.
[Name + email omitted] wrote:
hey I saw this email address at vgmusic.com if your
not busy could you return an email.
IF YOUR NOT FROM VG PLEASE DONT REPLY
"Aivi T." wrote:
Yup, I am Sirius from vgmusic.com ^^
[Name + email omitted] wrote:
hey could you tell them to add more music from ffx-2 because there really empty there k i own it and they really need more just telling ya so tell em for me k well gotta go
Fooker.
Go register on the forums and ask for it yourself, cause I don't even visit that site much anymore. FFX-2 is new and nobody has it so it'd be pretty hard for anyone to make MIDIs off of it, you know?
SO, after you register for the forums and post on the wishlist hopefully you'll find a nice sequencer who has played the game who wants to put in a couple hours to make a song for your free listening enjoyment while they get nothing out of it except the satisfaction of making their listeners happy. But with that kinda impatience I dun think so! Nyeeeer!
Silly newbies.
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| Hit and Miss |
| 06.27.04 (7:45 pm) [edit] |
I go to DC tomorrow, Monday... I come back to Allentown on Tuesday night... and I leave for California on Wednesday afternoon. Adrian is equally far from DC as it is from Allentown... I'd say it's about 500 miles from both... about an 8 hour drive. Just throwing that out there.
...I wish I knew how to drive...
So, the wedding story I said I'd talk about:
The boquet toss yesterday. Probably ten single girls lined up behind the bride, Agatha. She threw it. In about two seconds, it hit my sister over the head, my other sister reached for it and grabbed a flower, and I lunged at it and grabbed the entire boquet. My uncle pulled me onstage and announced that I was his neice. My relatives rushed around my parents and started toasting wine glasses over them, screaming, "Congratulations!" And my dad was scared stiff with this OMG look on his face, my mom was red and laughing nervously, and you could tell they were both thinking the same thing: Frank!? Time out, too fast!
It was the funniest thing though! I raced outside and called Frank and told him about it, and later my aunt was like, "I had a feeling you'd catch it! Have you called your boyfriend yet? I thought you would." Then I waved it in front of my parents for kicks and they got all nervous again.
Kekeke! [grins maliciously]
So anyway...
Amusement park today. I feel light-headed and dizzy right now. I tanned a bit, cause while my sisters ran around the water park, I just laid there with my jacket over my head, sleeping in my bikini. Okay, I wasn't sleeping, I was thinking about you-know-who. Again. Don't look at me like that.
Then we hit all the thrill rides, which weren't so thrilling cause the same things are starting to get old, and what I hated most was when other people kept holding eachother and kissing all around me. I wanted to smack them and go, "Stop that, you're depressing me and everyone else and shit!" and obviously that made me want Frank so badly. And then I was thinking, "This is no fun... going to an amusement park with three little sisters..." And I got bummed out cause I've never had the experience of going to an amusement park with friends or people my age... I'm not joking. It's always about one-person-is-too-short-a nd-young and sit-alone-cause-you're-ol der and stand-in-line-being-semi- bored instead of having someone to really, really talk to.
Dammit, it just isn't fun anymore.
I tried calling Frank a bagillion times today... between 5-10... no answer... where are you, Frank...?
I go take a shower now.
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| Strawberries and Cherries |
| 06.27.04 (10:01 am) [edit] |
I am sleepy...
I have never ever waken up at 1PM before...
We're going to a water park now, and I don't really want to go because it's only fun when you go with people your own age, but I'm just going anyway to humor everybody else.
It feels really nice though, staying up with Frank all night... hehe... although I'll admit, I started getting scared when I saw morning light. I didn't want to get caught.
I miss you, Frank...
Oh, oh, I've got to tell everybody, I remembered something new! I fed him a strawberry! And it was so cute how he nibbled at it while I held it there. And he was sleeping on the couch the morning of mother's day and I made him crappy eggs that looked really nice. Mother's day was the day after prom I do believe.
He was real tired that day, I remember... while he was showering and stuff, I was laying there listening to the CD he got for me with my eyes closed... I flipped through a few songs and found some favorites... After awhile I felt two warm arms wrap around my stomach, and I looked up, and there he was... I remember just looking into his eyes, eyes filled with genuine love... I pulled down my headphones... looked into his eyes... we kissed...
Anyway, I've got to... reluctantly get into my bikini. I gots a story to tell about the wedding which I will tell later, because, I've got to get into my bikini. I need to lose some of the fat off my back, I hate my body.
Write to you later.
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| Fear X Flattery |
| 06.25.04 (9:29 am) [edit] |
Okey. Listen up.
Frank told me that he was on Gaia, when he found someone using the exact same photo of me I'd sent him, claiming it was a picture of her. He told a moderator and stuff, who deleted it, and reported it to the admins, but if that wasn't scary enough it turns out that girl got my photo from a game forum where somebody else was using it as a signature or avatar or something of the sort.
I get so confused though, I'd never do something like that and I don't understand why other people do that fucking shit... It's flattering that other people would use a picture of me because I'm not even that attractive compared to so many other people they could be stealing photos from, but it's really scary that somebody else would be going around using my picture. Who knows what they're doing with it? "Getting attention" as Frank said, I'm not flirty or attention-seeking and if those kind of actions get traced back to me, it's just, really uncool. Flattering or not, I don't like, it's uncomfortable.
So, if you see this picture:
http://img21.photobucket.com/albums/v62/riikaru/Sc arlet.jpg" title="http://img21.photobucket.com/albums/v62/riikaru/Sc arlet.jpg" target="_blank"http://img21.photobucket.com/...
It's ME! Haku Rikaru Sirius Timeskar Pofo EternallySkye Aivi, not anybody else!
Mew... I just appreciate Frank so much, firstly the fact he happened to see it, secondly he recognized the picture, and thirdly he stood up for me and stuff. I definitely wouldn't have known what to do about it. I mean, it'd be different if I saw someone else impersonating Frank cause then I'd get super pissed, I'd PM the person PM the mods PM the admins and publicly chide the person for stealing my boyfriend's picture then post in all of my blogs announcing the bastard, but if I had seen what happened to myself I probably would've been shocked to the point I'd just be confused, not knowing what to do about it at all.
I love you Frank... you ish zee boMb! ^^
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| Kwizzy |
| 06.23.04 (10:17 am) [edit] |
Annnnd I found this site off impostor76's blog.
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| Cause I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane... |
| 06.23.04 (9:55 am) [edit] |
The wall of measurements shows that I have grown over 5'3" and someday, I will be 5'4". So, I'm still growing. And that's a good thing.
Khush left for Texas yesterday... I stayed until the very end, and she dropped me off at the intersection on her way to the airport. I just walked home from there. It was just, so emotional... Her guardians were crying and I was crying and she was crying and everyone was thanking eachother, her guardians thanked me for helping her and being a friend and I thanked her for being a friend and she thanked me for everything. My senior year would've sucked without Khush... I'm so glad we got to know eachother, cause it would've been a miserable end if we hadn't. I promised her I'd keep in touch... and that's something I rarely promise... So, even if you're never going to read this, good luck in Texas, Khushie, you're a wonderful person I love you thank you for rocking this place.
The ironic thing is we both just moved here during junior year. It was awesome cause we had stuff to talk about, even though we just met senior year we both understood eachother and what it felt like to leave what you love behind, to move overseas from Thailand and India, why being trapped in one country wasn't very exciting, multicultural differences. Both of our grades faltered a bit since we moved here too... She could make me feel better about that, cause, we just understood eachother's situations better than most other people could.
Well...
I'm going to Pennsylvannia tomorrow morning... First time on an airplane in a long time. A long time being 2 years. God, it's really been that long...?
To be honest I don't want to go because I want to be where I'm available to Frank... That might sound sad and we haven't even been talking that much during the day, but I still wanna be here in case I'm needed. I guess I'm just... worried. I dunno. I love him.
I hope I get to talk to him before I go though, because I'm not sure how often we'll be able to talk in the next week... me loves him...
I'm off, talk to you all later.
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| Going Somewhere |
| 06.22.04 (2:20 pm) [edit] |
My report card came today! My mom was spazzing because I had a 4.0. Okay, so it'd be over 4.0 if the report card showed weighted classes, hehe... But unweighted it feels like a while since my parents've seen one of those, and they've really been hoping I'd get back on my feet... Overall my high school weighted GPA is like, 3.9 or something like that. Not as bad as I thought it'd be, seriously. Great way to end high school, doncha think?
Yesterday night was the first "girl's night out" I've ever had, and dude, it was fun. Since Khushie is leaving this evening we got together and stayed out until a little past midnight hanging out. I tried to play pool for the first time ever, too, and I sucked but I wasn't extremely terrible. I mean, at least I could hit the damn balls and I even managed to sink most of them. My mom found out today and was like, "Oh my God! You went there?!" and I was like, "Nobody was drinking there! I looked!" Then she was like, "Oh, okay."
We drove around, ate stuff, gossipped, the usual innocent fun... God, I wish I could go out like that more often. I'm not sure what I want anymore... I've stopped looking back at my friends in Thailand and I'm not super close to my friends here, I just feel kinda... alone. I hope I meet some awesome people in college.
I swear to you if Frank were here, I'd drag him out with me every weekend... XD... Well, maybe not, it's fun just playing Mario Kart with him. BUT DON'T LISTEN TO ANYTHING HE SAYS, HE'S NOT BETTER THAN ME!!! ...Haha. ^^
I'ma get a haircut today, I'm going to DEMAND that my layers be more obvious because the last place sucked ass.
And then I'm going to go to Khush's house before she goes...
Heh, I've been out like every day for the past week. It feels good though.
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| Recipe of Me |
| 06.20.04 (9:44 pm) [edit] |
Stole this off Jeris's blog.
| How to make a haku |
Ingredients:
5 parts competetiveness
1 part brilliance
3 parts leadership |
Method:
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Top it off with a sprinkle of sadness and enjoy! |
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| Weep No More |
| 06.20.04 (9:39 pm) [edit] |
I've been crying so much lately, probably one hard cry every day, but I suppose this is good practice for college, in case I miss everyone terribly... Right now, like college, I've got to get used to crying by myself. I can't go running to people all the time hoping to be comforted, because nobody's going to be there.
I'm so stupid.
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| Musikal Update |
| 06.20.04 (12:36 pm) [edit] |
Mew, let's take a look at what's on Haku's playlist, because that usually reflects her mood or what she needs to hear.
[ Videogame ]
Chrono Trigger - Time Chill (OverClocked)
Final Fantasy X - Suteki da Ne (Japanese)
Kingdom Hearts - Simple and Clean (PlanitB Remix)
Mario Kart 64 - Rainbow Snowland (OverClocked)
Secret of Mana - Desert Snowstorm (OverClocked)
[ Alternative ]
Story of the Year - Anthem of Our Dying Day
Story of the Year - Until the Day I Die
Three Doors Down - Here Without You
Trapt - Echo
Trapt - Headstrong
Trapt - These Walls
Yellowcard - Ocean Avenue
[ Misc / Rock / Emo / J-Pop / Hiphop / Pop / Soundtrack ]
Jessica Simpson - Part of Your World [Little Mermaid]
John Mayer - Bigger Than My Body
Mandy Moore + Switchfoot - Someday We'll Know [Walk to Remember]
Metric - Wet Blanket
Michelle Branch - Breathe
Nine Inch Nails - Adrift and at Peace
Sydney Forest - I'm Gonna Fly [Kiki's Delivery Service]
The Corrs - Radio [Unplugged Version]
Utada Hikaru - First Love
Utada Hikaru - Traveling
Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby
Pretty soft, isn't it?
Much of it is fast and soft, soft with attitude, impressionistic and soft, sad and soft, angsty and soft, whatever. Mostly.
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| DAMN FEATURED BLOGS! |
| 06.20.04 (9:41 am) [edit] |
Um, fuck. I typed up a REALLY BIG LONG ENTRY that WASN'T ANGSTY and I put a lot of thought into it and I've been typing almost nonstop for like a fucking hour! Rambling about random things! And then stupidly while I was reflecting on something I just wrote, I saw the "Featured Blogs" link on the left. It used to open in a pop-up window, so I thought, "Okay, I wanna see who's featured this week." Then I clicked it and it DIDN'T open in a pop-up window and I lost my ENTIRE FUCKING ENTRY!
There goes my one and only non-angsty entry. BACK TO THE ANGST!
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
So, I was rambling about Father's Day, my shopping trip yesterday, the amount of money I've spent lately on myself and other people, world travelling and my lack of patriotism, why I don't want to go to Washington DC and Pennsylvania next week, laptops and why they make me more sociable, and of course, how I really wish I could snuggle up against my lovie because I love him and he deserves to be snuggled.
BUT NOOOOOO I JUST HAD TO CLICK THE FEATURED BLOGS!
Bye bye to all those wonderfully long paragraphs...
Maybe that was meant to happen.
Anyway, Happie Fajah's Dayee.
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| Graduation! |
| 06.17.04 (9:04 pm) [edit] |
I have discovered the reason.
But anyway...
Sometimes... I wish they could see how much I love them... how much I care about them. Sometimes... I don't show it as much as I can.
They do a lot for me... they try to look out for me, to make sure I do the right thing so I don't suffer or get hurt in the future... to make sure I'm happy. Spoil me with little things they know I'll love or have been dying for. Come on, everytime I whine about something I wish I had it ends up inside a stocking next Christmas. Willing to drive me around wherever I need to go... most of the time... Course, I'm used to working hard and getting good grades to feel that I've deserve everything they do for me. I know not everyone has the privilege of getting big things from their parents if they get the grades (then again, we get punished for not pulling the grades). But lately I've felt like my grades aren't as good as they could be... so I feel undeserving of everything they still do for me.
And seeing as I don't put a lot of effort into anything I do anymore, I suppose I come off as unappreciative sometimes. And it hurts a lot being thought of as unappreciative and selfish, when I love them so much.
I just wish I could show them. I know they're smart, they probably know I do... but sometimes they seem to doubt just how much I care.
Anyway, I graduated today!
I couldn't help but smile and wave ecstatically when I heard my family screaming my name when I was walking onto the field during that Pomp & Circumstance song. I kept the smile going even afterwards cause I felt proud looking like a marshmallow with a hat, and plus people look pleasant when they smile.
A lot of people were cheered for when they walked across the stage. I was afraid I was gonna be a loser with no friends who had nobody cheering, but surprisingly when my name was called I heard a bunch of screaming coming from... I'm not sure where actually, it was like a mix of my family on the bleachers and all my friends in the rows. (And then I realized I have more friends here than I thought.) But people screamed for me and I felt loved... I suppose you get what you put in, I'm a quiet person but I cheered for all my friends and even people I vaguely knew anyways, even when nobody around me seemed to share my joy. Heehee!
Then I found my family and I was showered with 6 flower necklaces, a boquet, cards, and about 20 balloons, and oh my God I felt so special and I appreciated it sooo much all I could do was smile at everyone and ecstatically hug people and stuff.
But after I started to leave, I realized how many people I didn't get a chance to say good-bye to... People who weren't my friends but made a difference in my life everyday, people I might never be able to contact again. By stepping off that field I knew I was walking away forever from all these special people and memories, and... I never exected to cry over my life here.
I really wanted to talk to Joe and Anthony before I left...
Didn't see them at all. I wanted to talk to Percy and get a picture with him, but my family was already like gone.
So many people... that I'll never see again.
I feel like I can't ever keep the friends I make... everyone I meet seems to disappear so quickly. Sometimes I feel like I'll never have that close, unconditional kind of friendship nearby. Distance is, and has always been, the number one killer in my life, and it will continue to be that way for awhile...
But, I've graduated, so congratulations to me... I MADE IT! ^^
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| What I Did Wrong |
| 06.16.04 (10:20 pm) [edit] |
I wonder what I did wrong...
But my parents don't want to talk to me about it...
I tried asking my dad exactly what he was disappointed about, but he told me to ask my mom. Then I shyly stammered the beginning of a question and he just replied, "Leave me alone. I have work to do."
I quietly said okay and tried asking my mom...
She hesitated, and it was obvious she didn't want to tell me anything either. "Well, why don't you ask him?"
"Because... he told me to ask you..."
"I don't want to talk about it right now."
"But... I don't understand..."
"I don't want to talk about it right now."
What am I missing? Why do they want to restrict this aspect of my life... what did I do wrong...? What did we do wrong?
I don't understand... why do they want to take this away from me?
I feel so sick thinking about this...
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| Raining Horror |
| 06.16.04 (1:07 am) [edit] |
Oh my god... painful...
I'm about ready to drown people using only my eyes... ooh, I'm talented.
Or just really babyish.
Latter.
Painful?
A wave of horror crashes into my house, and an unexplainable feeling seizes my chest... and we need tissues cause the rain falls like crazy, everything's about to be flooded. By my super eyes. So we need tissues. Lots and lots of 'em.
Don't judge me by my blog.
I only write in here when I'm upset.
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| Into The Future |
| 06.13.04 (10:29 pm) [edit] |
It's really starting to feel like the end of a big journey, but there's no time to rest... Where one journey ends, another journey begins.
There are a lot of things about the past that I miss... and there are things about the present that I am going to miss. But no matter how nostalgic I become, I know that the things of my past are nothing compared to the things that will be in my future...
The things I look forward to, that I strive for... The things that mean so much to me, that I love.
These next few days are going to be really emotional for me, because whether I want to or not, I'll end up reflecting upon a lot of strange things that've happened in my life. Feelings that I felt alone, that felt so great to me, strange little moments that've helped shape me into the person I've become.
It's time to let go.
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| Let the World Pass Me By |
| 06.11.04 (4:28 pm) [edit] |
Today was my last day of high school ever, and it feels really weird. I'm nowhere near as sad as I would've been if I didn't move two years ago... Two years? That long ago? But I'm a lot sadder than I anticipiated I'd be, and I'm not sure why.
I realized something though. Going home is my escape from school, from all these people I don't want to be around. But going to school is my escape from my home, from this perfect person I'm expected to be. I just hate talking to my parents nowadays, and I have no idea where all of these feelings come from. This house is full of love but ever since we moved back here I've been feeling uncomfortable and unhappy being with my family, even though they're the same people. I really don't know what the fuck went wrong.
Well, graduation is next week. I still gotta catch a couple people and talk to them and do all this yearbook signing crap before we all split ways forever again...
I don't really plan on keeping in touch with anybody. It might happen but I doubt it - keeping in touch with people, especially people I'm not close to or am particularly interested in, can get to be a strain a lot of times.
Well, we'll see what happens.
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| Leaving You Behind |
| 06.09.04 (5:17 pm) [edit] |
My last piano lesson is tomorrow...
Man, I'm so incredibly depressed. I'll be minoring in music in college if I'm allowed to, of course... but as far as I know, I'm gonna let my dream of becoming musically famous rest, cause I'm planning to study pharmacy when I go off to university. I guess something compels me to be safe rather than pursue my talents, cause, I just happen to be talented in all the crap you can barely make a living off of.
Of course, this impresses the adults and makes them think I'm all mature and stuff. And they're relieved. You know how Asian parents all want their kids to be doctors?
But then the other half of the people are screaming at me about how I ought to use these damn talents and do what I love.
But you never know - college is college, I have two years to make up my mind.
Being a senior is wonderful... It's your last chance to do things you've always wanted to do. I rarely dance at dances but I was totally wild at prom, and so was everyone else who rarely dances. And in yearbooks people open up a lot more and tell you what they think really of you [the words "sweet" and "cute" inexplicably showed up a lot in mine... but I'm not complaining... and so did the words "like," "your," and "CD".] and everyone's real nice, wishing you well wherever you go and stuff.
And you'll probably never see these people again so might as well be as sappy as you want and not care.
It's so depressing.
It's not so bad for me though - I've only been here for two years. You get people who've been here their whole lives, and they'll have to part with a huuuuge part of their pasts. It'll hurt a lot for friends to split apart, and I guess in that sense I'm lucky I don't have to go through that shit, because I've already done my shit. Just, my shit is more spread out throughout my entire life, and each event is individually less painful. Less pain, less joy...
But...
I'm so tired of saying good-bye...
Over and over again...
People always walking in and out of my life...
So fast...
Rapidly bond with people...
Rapidly let them go...
But at the same time...
I can't wait to leave them behind.
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| Echoes in the dark |
| 06.07.04 (9:35 pm) [edit] |
I feel so... lost...
Not sure what to do...
Or what to think.
What do I want to do...?
Why did I feel the way I did...?
I am not sure.
That is, I am not sure if it was right to let it bother me that much...
On my own...
Stop talking, please...
Stop saying that, please...
Stop it... stop it...
I just want to rest.
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of my pride
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo will subside
Trapt
Echo
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| HOW I REALLY FEEL ABOUT EVERYBODY |
| 06.07.04 (8:21 pm) [edit] |
![]() =http://img21.photobucket.com/...
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| Expressions |
| 06.06.04 (7:47 am) [edit] |
I've been really tempted to start a journal comic. Sometimes my journal and blog entries are like mini-stories expressing little odd scenarios in my head, and I get all these pictures in my head and stuff. Sometimes I just wanna draw it instead of write it.
I randomly came up with some sketches yesterday of Haku and Rikaru, essentially the same person. But I'm a pyscho who talks to myself in my blog. Thus, they are also strange people who talk to eachother, when they are in fact the same person.
If that makes any sense.
I guess I don't really have a story plan, and I guess there's really no story. I'll probably just snag some random journal entries and draw them out.
Rikaru is the more innocent, pleading voice... Haku is the... meaner person who's always putting her down. A little self reflection, anyone?
And of course, this all gets confusing as Rikaru who happens to be Haku is also Sirius before the accident. [Sirius is the cyborg chic in the banner at the top of the page. See?] Ooh, gotta love me alter-egos.
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| Passing Away |
| 06.04.04 (4:45 pm) [edit] |
A pencil to pass the time...
A piano to wash away from the soul the dust of everyday life...
Never has a piano sounded so disgusting to my ears...
It was supposed to help, but it doesn't.
My fingers are weary... but I don't understand why...
Losing sleep over this, can't concentrate over this, stopping my homework over this, declining invitations to go out with people over this, all this time sacrificed... to be available for one person... just in case... if I should be needed... whenever I should be needed... even though that person... is not around at the moment... and I might not be needed... at all.
I don't understand why it has to be this way...
I...
It doesn't matter what I am thinking at the moment.
It doesn't matter what I am doing at the moment either.
People ask me questions about me, even the smallest questions, and I feel like snapping at them. I don't care, I don't want to answer, I'm too tired to answer, why do you care what I do? Why do you care about my test scores, why do you care what I did today, why do you care if I an eligible to walk during graduation. I don't feel the need to tell you about it. But I try to, because, that's what you want, isn't it.
I have about 15 minutes before my friends pick me up... going to the game for extra credit. I'd better clean myself up... get myself together... and stop crying... before they get here.
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| Cell Phone Calculations |
| 06.02.04 (10:09 pm) [edit] |
Goddamit...
I stayed within my minute budget... I stayed within it...
But then we have this thing called "voice mail" and who knew it cost minutes to check that during the day. We've killed about 30 minutes there.
I didn't realize my friends used my cell phones as many minutes as they did, either... I lent it for a minute or two... but somehow it added up to 13 minutes...
People calling in during the day, including people from my dad's work, killing off another huge pile of minutes...
Hectic month with Frank coming here and my sisters traveling...
So... now we have established this indeed is not my cell phone because I'm being held responsible for 'hogging' other people's usages and making us go over our minutes.
Looking over the bill, all in all I have used about 110 minutes to myself, 140 at the very most. Leaving an hour to spare.
And somehow we have killed that hour and went 40 minutes over.
And of course I'm being yelled at for it... and I get to pay the bill... which I don't mind, but must my parents yell about it, at least I'm willing to pay it. So fun owning a cell phone. My dad exagerrates so much though. 240 minutes does not add up to '6 hours over time'.
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| Collision Theory |
| 06.02.04 (8:44 pm) [edit] |
I can hardly keep my eyes open... they feel swollen, and I feel so tired. I've been waking up a lot in the middle of the night. Anxiety. Loneliness. A lot of times it's because I'm thinking of something random and pointless, some sort of theory that goes in circles, until it drives me crazy and I have to wake up or die sleeping.
School shit... today was my one chance to get ahead of things. I was ready to do it too. But I didn't seize today.
For some reason... I can't think about anything except...
Sometimes I feel like a useless...
Why do I beat myself up over something that isn't my fault. Something that isn't anyone's fault. I'm so tired... all I feel like doing is crying until I fall asleep... and maybe I'll be tired enough to actually stay asleep.
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| Take Me Away |
| 06.02.04 (3:20 pm) [edit] |
I remember the look in your eyes
When I told you that this was good-bye
You were begging me not tonight, not here, not now
We're looking up at the same night sky
We keep pretending the sun will not rise
We'll be together for one more night somewhere, somehow
Ocean Avenue
Yellowcard
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| Dreaming of You |
| 06.02.04 (6:11 am) [edit] |
There's a piece of you that's here with me
It's everywhere I go, it's everything I see
When I sleep, I dream, and it gets me by
I can make believe that you're here tonight...
Ocean Avenue
Yellowcard
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