It's a bit scary biking for 15 minutes on half-empty streets at 8 PM in Davis, when it's really dark out, with nothing but a dim bike light that isn't even on my bike. I need a screwdriver to get it onto the handlebars, so I've just been holding it with one hand for now. Some of the streets are poorly lit, and... well, I thought there'd be more people with classes that time of night, but, uh, there isn't.

Surprisingly I'm enjoying myself here. I'm not having actual FUN or anything, you know? But I'm relaxing while handling classes, with people my age around, and it's enjoyable so far. [The 'classes' put a damper on things though.]

I wouldn't mind not going home this weekend. I am away from that place where I feel useless, like a lazy burden on everyone... Now I'm out here alone and I have a chance to prove myself, that I can do this, that I can be here alone and be responsible for my actions given freedom, food, etc.

"Hey, can't you see I want you by the way I push you away..."
- some nifty song on the radio... I found a good radio station.

Well, it's 9:25 AM and I'm back from my first class. Yes, I'm BACK from my first class. XD I left the dorms around 7ish... I thought I'd be getting there early but noooopppe everybody else was there too, and 2/3 of the lecture hall was filled. There's a good several hundred people in there. o___O I think next time I go to class I'm going to push to get closer to the front, cause there were spare seats towards the front, just, they mashed in the middle of the row.

The chem professor is awesome. He's funny. I'm relieved. TT;

I think it takes about 15 minutes to bike to my first class without traffic. I'm gonna hop on the bus and head on down to the Memorial Union for some school supplies and stuff, then I'll be back here again... xD I don't have much to do, my next class isn't until 6 PM...

Mew. I'll start on some homework and stuff when I come back.

This is so depressing.

So nervous about my first class tomorrow...

I wanna read a book or something. I'm so sleepy...

I'm either gonna ride my bike or take a nap... mweeee... I need some soda anyways. I'm really tempted to load up on junk food while I'm at the store but I shouldn't...

My dormie is so comfy. I likes it.

There was this song I was really into, back in 10th grade when I first fell in love with Frank. You'd think being a little high schooler you wouldn't know what that kind of love is. Honestly, I didn't know what that kind of love was, and I still have a lot to learn about it... But somehow, even back then when I was oblivious to everything... I fell in love with him.

Anyway, it was a slow song... Really simple, and probably words you hear people say all the time. But it's not that complicated, you know - everybody falls in love and everyone who's in love thinks it's wonderful and that's why everyone writes songs about love, and everyone else can relate. Of course... everyone has their own kind of love, and everyone in love acts upon it in a different way, and every relationship is special...

But... I'm not ashamed of being repetitive when I say things... I mean, I wish I could be more creative and less boring but honestly, I think I try hard enough to be creative. I need to enjoy things as they are once in awhile.

I'm rambling and I'm not sure why.

I'm really sleepy... 'night people.

I love my Frankie. Mine. Not yours. MINE. ;)

Fwah. I've been listening to "DJ Nocturno's" songs all evening. I cannot tell you how much I admire the guy right now, his music is too awesome. I swear though, "Psyc" would fit into Tetrisphere... kinda catches the essence of Tetrisphere music... I hearts it. I hearts Letaon even more. XD

Yarrrr, that is my inspirational musician rant of the day.

I don't wanna go tomorrowwww T________________________ ___T

Sulksulksulk

I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon.

I have a major headache. I've been feeling a bit stressed all day, hungry but not eating, things like that... I dunno.

I hope things aren't going to change much. Everytime I come home I want everything to be the same. I don't like the feeling of coming back to something and feeling like you don't fit in, kinda like coming back to Fremont.

I hope everybody acts the same and feels the same.

I just dont want things to change without me there to see it.

I are still sleepy. I want to lay down and sleep.

Classes start on September 30th. My parents want to drop me off on Sunday and I'll participate in some "new student" activites between Monday and Wednesday, until classes actually start. I just, hate the feeling of settling into a new place. I want to be settled, I want to feel like I belong somewhere, and get into a comfortable routine. I guess it has to do with my personality - I don't mind exploring new places, but right now I'm uber lonely and I really really need familiarity.

My mom's afraid I'm gonna become anorexic someday or something. She says I show one of the symptoms - convinced that I'm fat when everyone I 've talked to insists that I'm not. I've been forgetting to eat again, too, and she's been acting pretty bothered by that. I don't think she REALLY believes I'll ever be anorexic, just warning me about what might happen...

Been listening to "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" by Smashing Pumpkins... It's so cool. XD

Yeah so... I'm gonna shower, and possibly sleep more. But I'll keep my laptop open in case Frank comes back.

The world is a vampire, sent to drain...

Despite all my rage,
I am still just a rat in a cage

Bullet With Butterly Wings
Smashing Pumpkins

Man, I'm never gonna get my hair cut at this rate.

Hmm, interesting...

Let's break it down and see what http://www.petrix.com/dreams" title="http://www.petrix.com/dreams" target="_blank"http://www.petrix.com/dreams has to say about one dream I remember.

End of the World dream: Part 1.
Futuristic setting. Driving with my mom to area of refuge. Dull colored sky.

Sky 
Celestial. Limitless freedom. Looking for expansion, life without limits.

Beige  
Everything related with this color denotes neutrality and detachment. There is absence of communication.

Clouds
Transition. May be dark or light. Moving through confusion.  

Road 
Achievement of something. Direction. Ask yourself about your life's path.

Driving
Work on energy and power. Looking for the desired destination.

Danger
Threatening change. Afraid to lose something with the change.

Mother
Approval or disapproval. From what do you need to feel nourish and protected?

End of the World dream: Part 2.
Midnight. World ending in an hour. Chaotic city, neon lights. Everyone trying to drive out of town to the area of refuge. I left the area long ago looking for somebody. Ran into people and strangers, tried to help them fix their cars so they could leave.

Time 
Irreversible. Continuity. Arrival or departure of feelings. Organizing your inner self.

Black  
Black signifies isolation and transition period. It shows up conflicts and friction with relations and friends.

Repairing 
Damage or injury. Making amends. Ready to fix a situation.

Traffic 
Connections. Dealings. Movement. Chaotic power. Need to go someplace.

Talking 
Conversation. Communication. Seeking for a way to express something.

Searching
Exploration. Looking for recognition of desires or wants.  

Ran into current boyfriend at the time. Didn't know how to tell him I was in love with someone else. Tore away from him and found who I was looking for, sitting alone in a dark corner across the street. Ran, had to jump over cars to reach said person

Jump
Inconsistent in love affairs. Escape from danger. Adventures.

Running 
No restraint. Freedom. Distance. There is something that you want to escape from.

Dark
Mystery. The unknown and unformed. A place of fear or of potential. Difficulties ahead.

City 
Ambition Civilize order. Culture. Conclusion of hopes.  

Reunion 
Gathering of feelings from the past that need to be recognized.

Situation at the time:
Months of discontentment building up wit h current boyfriend at the time... trying to hold on, but it just wasn't working too well. Contemplating breaking up with him. Started talking to Frank, apparently the sparks flew up all over again.

Now the thing is, those symbols seem pretty vague, so of course it'd all fit... But it's still interesting.

Anyway I'm gonna go get a haircut now.

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/8105614" title="http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/8105614" target="_blank"http://www.deviantart.com/dev...

Crapness in a box

I just feel like I've done something wrong again...

Can't keep my big mouth shut when it's important.

I wanna take it all back and delete everything and pretend I didn't say anything, but I did, and god, why why why me, why would anyone...

Why did I say this... and that...

What the fuck's wrong with me.

I just...

I feel like I've done something terrible.

I can't shake that feeling.

I'm sorry about everything.

"Wanna see a picture of the cutest girl in the world?" <--- person> "Yes, I do." <--- me> Person sends "aivi!.jpg"< >Some people, I swear... It was so sweet and funny.

I typed up a bigass blog entry but I seem to have accidentally closed the window in the middle of it, so I lost it.

Anyway, I'll just continue where I left off. Even if it means you people will have no idea what I'm talking about or how I came onto the subject.

--->

I wanted to take this painting with me, but my sister reminded me that I'd given it to her, and she wanted to keep it in our room.

I like that painting a lot though. The two I'm taking with me are the two I did when I was missing Frank a lot - the first one was done after he left the first time, based off the song "Midnight in a Perfect World," and the second one is just... strange. It's kinda passionately kinky if you take the tongue into consideration, but most people don't realize that. They just think she's some weird snake girl wanting to lick the guy's nose.

I never bother to correct people though, they can think whatever they want about my damn paintings... I usually don't give away what I'm feeling exactly, when people ask, cause I like leaving it up to their interpretation and I'd rather not directly tell them personal things about me.

I found the solution to my boots - HIGH SOCKS.

I popped my CD into the car, and "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" started playing... it's a great feeling singing along, and having everyone in the car sing along. Especially cause it's my "Happy song."

I'm gonna go laze around for a bit... I need to relax.

And by the way, just in case anybody's lost site of the meaning of Eternal Dive...

You won't find the truth here.

Only what's in my reality at the moment. Sometimes it's a lie, sometimes it's an exagerration - but it is, by no means, THE TRUTH IN PERSPECTIVE. Do you know if I'm making up stories? Or am I writing things down becaues I feel like writing things down?

It's my blog, I can do whatever the hell I want. Deal with it.

You would kill for this
Just a little bit

Sing me something soft
Sad and desperate
Or loud and out of key
Sing me anything

dfj903uijefkdljflajdfljo1 2iu3u1204u0u380ut80ru787r
fb879erjf3j;l4j1l2312907f 8uvdj

dfjjej09rfpojsb'emu[ut

'ojsfl;[pipp[peoriwjg

vald,v'ad.ewrhytnbkflroihipwep90u3o e97239874uihjkny5rebfd8ou jkngd

gldsl;f[petghhgjufkt;utjh 7iglojptytighfsjoyhtif;lb mnk

ohhhh

...Shiny

g'damn

I wish there was more to me

When you were talking

I was shaking

really bad

I don't know what to make of everything and it's killing me.

I don't understand! But I thought if this and that then maybe that'd occur and if this and this then -----> Aivi = TOO idealistic.

I knew it. I knew it.

It took a year to give in, a year to ease into the position, a year to say I'd give up everything, in absolute trust.

Just as special as they are to me.

SPECIAL

OF YOU

My ex said he loved me cause I was weiiiird. Hummm? As soon as he said it, "you're weird, but thas why I love you" I ReALizEd of ALL the meaningful things anyone'd ever said to me, this guy never expected me to be normal, to bend to standards, he just wanted me to be.... meee. and thats why he loved me.

but I R not special.

You left me once.
How do I know you're not going to do it again?
How do I know I won't have to go through the same shit again? WONDERING if I meant anything to you at all hurting.... muting it.... mute mute.

My grades dropped.

I got my first B

Everybody was mad.

I wasn't perfect when you left before.

I'm still the same person.

I THOUGHT I WAS OVER IT T_______________________T

I was.

Oh man I was

I was oblivous. I really was.

ps. still fat.

Don't perception changes just suck...

Suddenly everything goes flipflop.

The way you thought things were, it wasn't really like that, and suddenly you realize you're just kidding yourself about everything, everything you believed in, the way you see the future, what you believe in...

I just don't know what to think or believe in anymore.

Does God exist?

What defines "true love"?

Is there really such thing as fate?

Is there such things as soulmates?

Great, great, great...

I look back on what I thought were great memories, and started remembering the "other side" to everything.

I've been ignoring the bad and remembering the good stuff.

And other things, I remember the bad, and probably miss out on the good.

My perception is just fucked up.

I hate forming my own beliefs

Over the last few years I've managed to form ONE belief...

...

Now I'm not even sure about it.

"My depth perception must be off again"

And it's all in how you mix the two
And it starts just where the light exists
It's a feeling that you cannot miss
And it burns a hole
Through everyone that feels it

Well you're never gonna find it
If you're looking for it
Won't come your way
Well you'll never find it
If you're looking for it

Should've done something
But I've done it enough
By the way, your hands were shaking
Rather waste some time with you

And you never would have thought in the end
How amazing it feels just to live again
It's a feeling that you cannot miss
It burns a hole through everyone that feels it

Should've said something
But I've said it enough
By the way, my words were faded
Rather waste some time with you

"Blue and Yellow"
The Used

"I can hardly see the computer screen."
"Why not? The screen's fucked up?"
"No... my eyes are..."

I was told by a friend today, "It severely bothers me when I see you get hurt."

my heroes are dead; they died in my hands says:
what've you been up to?
Surely one more moment couldn't break my heart says:
god, I wish I knew..

I can't wait til I leave

Then this shitty little imperfect child will be gone, and the family will never have to see her crying and being dumb and lazy and unappreciative will be GOONNEEE! They will be happy with their 3 other perfect daughters who never argue with the parents...

I want them to be happy...

I disappoint them way too much.

Sometimes I wish I never had to grow up. Then I'd never have a mind of my own, and everybody would be the way they want it... and they'd be happy.

Went shopping yesterday. Nuff said.

it's my moms fucking birthday. how am i supposed to do anything for her with this sad ugly crying boohoo face like mine??? how the hell do i make her happy now. last year i got chewed out for doing nothing for her

"SELFISH"

but i'm not leaving my room looking like this or i'll get chewed out even more. "what the hell is your problem aivi? why are you crying on your mom's birthday now you've made her SAD!!!!!! (selfishness implied)"

i can hear me yelling back. "it wouldn't BE such a sad thing if you didn't make such a big deal of it!!!!! you're always making things worse by yelling at people so then EVERYBODY feels bad and not just mom!!!!!!! BESIDES if you have a problem with me crying then STOP YELLING AT ME WHEN I TRY TO STAY AWAY FROM ALL OF YOU *BECAUSE* i'm CRYING!!!!!!!!!"

fucking DAMN

I wanna talk to somebody.

I wanna cry and have somebody hug me and say, "It's ok, everything's gonna be ok, you just cry your little heart out and feel better. Nobody's perfect, nobody will ever be perfect but thats ok."

And then I'll just cry and cry and keep crying til I fall asleep, and they'll hug me tight and go, "You'll feel better when you wake up next year." then they'll say something random and stupid and make me laugh and we'll talk of other things...

i've never felt the urge to have somebody physically hold me as i cry, but now i do, and i don't care who it is as long as they're not in my family. I want... i want Frank. i want khush. I want steph. I want somebody... anybody... familiar... who's ever been there just to give me a hug throughout my life, Nual, kimberly, lisa, taro, supakrith, maria, pok, jenn, winston, jess, suyeon... anyone... someone...

isn't there anybody....

where in the world is everybody?

why is everyone so far away?

I now have a UFG phone pal! We exchanged numbers via private mes sages, and arranged our first phone conversation for Saturday morning, PST. I suppose whoever's fingers get itchy first shall be the first one to dial. But I'm so shy, what if I'm totally boring?

Meh.

Interesting info; according to his Gaian profile, he's a Libra.

I'm gonna get a haircut, and I'm gonna cut it medium-short ish... Although my medium-long hair is nice. But the layers in the back are bothering me. I hate layers in the back, I think they're so ugly, cause your hair just ends in this horrid POINT.

Damn Asian hair stylists ---

Shut up, I'm Asian too, lemme talk.

I have those lyrics from Sharkie stuck in my head. I've never actually heard the song but I like the part he pasted for me:

We went into a diner and we ordered some hot tea
The waiter said "No, we only have it iced
So we jumped up on the table and we shouted "ANARCHY!"

I am very soothed by Frank's breathing on the phone. It's so nice.

But it's nicer hearing it for real.

Many memories do fade, no matter how magical, no matter how much they mean to you. Many of my memories have subsided into a dream - but sometimes I'll remember them vividly, at random. Some moments you just can't forget no matter what...

I'm sleepy and thirsty. 'Night all.

I know that you're lying to me
Using gentle words to shelter me
Your words are like a dream,
But dreams could never fool me
It's not right to me

I acted so distant then
Turned my back as you walked away
But I was listening
You fight your battles far from me
It's not right to me

"Don't you worry, cause I'll come back"
I could hear you speaking as you walked through that door
I have to be strong
To hide the pain, when I turn back the pages
Crying might've been the answer
What if I shed my tears and begged you not to leave
But now I'm not afraid to do what's in my heart

That dream isn't over yet
I pretend and say I can forget
I still live in that day
You've been there with me all the way
It's not right of me

"Don't you worry, cause I'll write to you"
I could see you speaking, as you looked away
I have to be strong
To hide the dark, when I turn back the pages
Anger might've been the answer
What if I shook my head and said that I can't wait
But now I'm not afraid to do what's in my heart

Those thousand words
Have never been spoken
So far away
I'm sending this to you wherever you are, suspended on shining wings
Those thousand words
Have never been spoken
They'll cradle you
Making all of your pains seem so faraway
They'll hold you forever

Those thousand words
Have never been spoken
I'm sending this to you wherever you are, suspended on shining wings
Those thousand words
Have never been spoken
Making all the lonely years to lonely days
They'll hold you forever

"1000 Words"
Final Fantasy X-2

My Gaian avvy is so sexy. No sarcasm, I really like it.

I'm tempted to say "I'mSoFat" but it's not like I'm doing anything about it so I guess I can't bitch...

I wonder about me and my future roomies. The 3rd year chic is gonna be stuck with two freshmen who are... kinda young. I mean my age is pretty normal, but abnormal enough that I do get asked whether I skipped a grade or not... So I was expecting to be the baby of the room, but then my roomate was born in 1987. o___O

Poor 3rd year roomie.

Well, I'm sure the younger chic's company will be extremely enjoyable, she appears very bright. Me, on the other hand, ha... ha... ha...

Well, stuff.

Reading Frank's latest entry reminds me, me and Rah were just talking about our 18th birthdays today. She's so cool:

Aivi: you're gonna be legal!
Rebecca: Yay!!!
Aivi: people are gonna hit on you without shame! T___T
Rebecca: ... So wait, what changes?
Rebecca: ;P
Aivi: xD

Then I realized I'm not gonna be home on my 18th birthday.

Eep...

18, that's a pretty big number there. =(

God, I just hate myself so much, I wish I was PERFECT and it's killing me just thinking about it... but I can't stop thinking about it...

I'm so frustrated with myself...

I feel like crying right now, I don't understand what's wrong with me...

I WISH I WAS PERFECT

PERFECT IN EVERY WAY

PERFECT

ABSOLUTELY PERFECT

PERFECT SO I COULD MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY

PERFECT SO I COULD MAKE YOU HAPPY

PERFECT

PERFECT

PERFECT, JUST LIKE YOU

How do you accept who you are?

How do you accept where you're at, and just deal with it?

How do people become satisfied with who they are...

"This is me and I'm not changing for you"

I feel like such a dork

Cause I'd change everything about me for "you."

If it's what "you" want.

If it's what makes "you" happy...

If that's what it takes... to be... perfect... for "you"...

Why am I CRYING over it RIGHT NOW?!

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE PERFECT

Somebody please get online
I'm so lonely.

I've been playing Mario Golf for the last hour. It's so addictive! I was playing Speed Golf for awhile... I've gotten horrible, though. My record was finishing 18 holes in 12 minutes with a score of -14, but this time my time was 16 minutes with a score of -9... I'm getting worse. But I haven't played for a really long time.

I guess I don't have anything better to do, so I'm just gonna sit here and ramble...

I'm gonna raid the kitchen. Yeah, I feel like a hippo now, but what's new... my craving for food is overriding my retarded desire to be below 100 lbs.

I want to talk to somebody... I'm so lonely, and I don't feel like going to bed...

Ever since school and college started, the insomniacs have all disapppeared, and being online at night has been pretty boring...

Alright, well, I went through SSBM looking for a song to sequence, but everything in there fries my tired brain... and I don't really "love" any songs from that game anyways.

I have Wave Race 64 on now, looking for songs here...

I love Wave Race music... T_____T

I love Wave Race. Mweer. I used to be the one telling my dad which N64 games to buy, and stuff, I'd be doing my research XDD... At one point in time in Nsider I was actually told, "You have really good games" cause all I owned was popular stuff [but not violent, that wasn't allowed] and usually N64 games are deemed "popular" for a really good reason.

Speaking of "popular" stuff I never went into the Pokemon craze. It sickened me before I even knew what it was. =(

Zelda... I had no idea what the hell Zelda was either.

But I looked at screenshots of OoT, read stuff, listened to music samples, and suddenly I just KNEW I needed OoT... so... BADLY... I worked really hard to get it, too... T___T For anyone with a bad memory, I had to take a couple math tests in 7th grade to get into Algebra 1 in 8th grade, then I had to TAKE Algebra 1... jumping ahead before I was ready for it. =( It sucked a few hours out of me EVERY DAY cause I was having so much trouble understanding it, I was crying on a daily basis out of pure frustration and my dad would get frustrated cause I'd be too dumb. I had a D the first quarter... but I pulled it up to a B by the second quarter. [Go meee!] I even pulled up to a B+ by 3rd quarter and had a super good shot at finally grabbing an A the final quarter...

But I didn't realize it... I was so burned down by trying so hard, it was so hard, not fun, and I felt so retarded I gave up without REALIZING I was that close to an A.

Oh, I dropped out of vocal ensemble for that fucking math class, too. You know... the choir you had to AUDITION for... I actually didn't have a lunch period. You're generally not supposed to do that, but they made an exception for math + choir [cause they're both special electives by audition only] and I think four of us did that... It was really hard to do, cause I had so much fun in choir... but I kept having to skip afterschool and lunch period practices cause of math, and my parents figured I needed to get my priorities straight - math was more important. So they made me drop out, and I was really sad, cause I dropped out RIGHT BEFORE OUR CHOIR WENT TO BEIJING, CHINA. T____T

Hehehe, you know, I don't even sing good. But I think my voice "blends" with people's or sumfin, I got to sing a solo part with 2 other girls in this one play, supposedly cause "our voices sounded good as a group." o__O

Fun times.

But math AC was worth OoT. Very much worth OoT. XD

From OoT, you get an inspiration that lasts for a very long time... what inspired me to draw, do MIDIs, start creating stories and characters of my own...

Meh... I took Algebra 1 again in 9th grade and aced it easily. Aced Geometry easily. Took Algebra 2 in summer school and aced that, with some effort. Got thrown into PreCalc honors... fucking school counselors have crappy advice... I couldn't handle 3 APs + 1 honors + moving abruptly + depression... barely passed the class... made it to AP Calculus AB. Dropped out at the beginning of the year cause I didn't wanna be there.

I cannot do math. T____T

BUT MY BOYFRIEND CAN! HEHEHE. ^^

Opposites attract yo.

I wonder what it'd be like if you combined the best of me and Frank into one person. Probably really crazy. But academically we'd kick super ass. Without trying. In his nature, all assignments would be done fast - in my nature, assignments would look good. Seriously, presentation can be useful for covering up any lazy bullshitting. XD

But we'd be uber dorky. *winkwink*

Grrah. I will keep writing more when I go upstairs.

Gar... it's too late at night to be sequencing a song this hard and unfamiliar... I tried, but I'm just too tired to continue it... I think I'll pick another one. I'm really in the mood for ice cream. =(

Low self confidence kicking in again...

Repeat to self: I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.

No, I'm not. I'm a fucking loser with a negative attitude,&n bsp;crappy weak personality and I'm ugly as sin. T____T

But I'm an okay person!

God, this feels so wrong...

I want ice cream really badly again...

If I could drive, I'd drive to Baskin Robbins right now. But I can't. Woe is me. LooZer with a backwards L.

It's better to sequence a MIDI when you more or less know the song already. When you've been listening to it for awhile, you know the basics in the song's tune and sometimes its extra instruments - you just need to touch up and make sure everything's perfect.

The thing is, a lot of easy songs I'm familiar with, I don't want to do at this point in time.

I'm only willing to do songs I LIKE... and the problem is, they're sometimes... really hard. T___T

This year I've only sequenced 2 videogame MIDIs [Schala's Theme and Shy Guy Desert], but they're 2 songs that I love. They're at the appropriate challenge level [easy enough so I don't get bored while making it, but not easy enough so I get bored while listening to it]... it's sad I don't push myself and aim for harder things the way I used to...

Anyways, I'm sitting downstairs again, hoping to make another MIDI. I'm listening to the Rainbow Road theme from Mario Kart Double Dash [of COURSE it's got the best song in the game, awesomest level ever ;33] but it's so difficult. The song, that is - the game itself is fucking easy. =P Anyway I'm getting kind of discouraged just sitting here listening to the song, cause it's... slightly above my "comfort" level. Not too hard, just above my comfort level. But I love the song - and I think I'm gonna go for it.

It doesn't have to be accurate, right? As long as I'm having fun?

I mean, the last MIDI I made wasn't entirely accurate, I kinda goofed off at some parts...

MOST videogame songs are consistent and the bass is repetitive in pattern and stuff. Mario Golf - uh, it's about as consistent as me with my own original music - sounds like the composer kinda let loose and just threw stuff together without bothering with consistency. I dunno if that's true, but that's how it is with me.

I ramble so much about music...

It takes my mind off things...

Hehehe...

Yeah... so I'ma make a MIDI tonight...

I think Tydrian's a little edgy with me on DA for - not "arguing" but - we kinda had a tense moment over Chrono Trigger: Resurrection in my DA journal. Just a harmless discussion but... god, I feel like I've grown farther apart from 2 cool people over harmless discussions in the last month.

With one person, I was arguing that you can't draw a solid line based on AGE for when a person's ready to have sex. We were cool before that, but after that there was like, this tension, and we haven't spoken since then.

With Ty, I'm not so sure how he feels about it, but last time I left a comment in his gallery asking a technical question about the program we both use, he gave me an aloof response. I was hoping it'd lighten things up but, I dunno, maybe I'm reading too much into it...

Well, it's time to start my MeeDee then. ^-^

Why do I care?

Why do I care so much about the superficial?

I've always felt ugly - not just outside, but inside, too. There are so many nice, sweet people in this world, and I know I'm kinda selfish, and sometimes I'm just so slow and easily manipulated. It frustrates me. I wish I could just take a laser and kill off everything bad about me.

Elementary school. "I hate this person. You should hate her too, even though you don't know her."

Me, like a fucktard: "Okay."

I'm lame, cheesy, dorky. Awkward around people. Selfish, uncharitable, BECAUSE I'm scared of being taken advantage of. Happens quite a bit when you're "the nice kid." I wasn't cute or attractive as a kid. =P Just some normal small-eyed pig-nosed kid with an unattractive personality.

I used to be in the habit of telling people the things they wanted to hear, but lately I've adopted this "be HONEST" attitude so maybe my opinion's a little more RESPECTED when I actually do think something rocks. At one point in time I spazzed ecstatically over EVERYTHING and honestly, it was out of pure hyperness - I didn't always thing it was that great.

But then people ALWAYS EXPECTED me to be that enthusiastic for them, and believed I was a big fan of their stuff, etc. etc. and I WASN'T. And everytime I acted like MYSELF it was just like, "That's kinda nifty" they'd be like, "Are you okay?"

Respect.

HOW do you earn RESPECT?

Anyway, I've given up on my internal traits cause I am who I am, and that'll just grow on me according to my actions. My physical, on the other hand, seemed to go flipflop and suddenly I went from this ugly chunky little person into this mediocre-looking young lady that some people started calling "cute/pretty."

WHOA, WHOA. What did you say?

Okay, I'm supposed to be easily manipulated. Why can't I believe that? WHY DON'T I BELIEVE IT? Why do I still feel ugly, no matter what I try to tell myself?

I myself believe people are ten times prettier when they have the CONFIDENCE NOT to wear make-up. I believe people are gorgeous when they THINK they're beautiful and ACT like they are.

So I'm a hypocrite - I hide behind my mask of eyeliner and hope the world doesn't see me, I act with no confidence, I'm the opposite of everything I believe is beautiful.

Why do I CARE so much? I never cared about it before.

I feel so ugly I can't tell you all why. I'm at a weight where it's going to become dangerous to feel "fat" and the sad thing is... I still do. But I know better than to drop below 100 lbs, because my HEAD says so, and my HEAD says I'm OKAY and I shouldn't WORRY about my appearance, but me... oh, I'm so pissed at myself for being so damn ugly.

A lot of times I wonder why it's so difficult to break out of mental habits - why can't everything be simple? I shouldn't be feeling this way, it's so wrong to feel this way. I scare, hurt, frustrate, and offend people by feeling ugly and/or fat BUT HOW DO I EXPLAIN THAT I just... I'm trying so hard to believe it... I don't know.

Some days I feel happy just as who I am...

Those rare days come by once in awhile...

WHY do I CARE SO MUCH?

BECAUSE I DISLIKE MY PERSONALITY TOO.

During the 2-week period I started eating one small meal a day, and I kept complaining about my appearance, my mom said if I wasn't careful I'd start developing anorexia, cause it does take years to grow into...

I love food too much to be anorexic. =P

I think I'm smart enough not to ever become anorexic.

But anyways, have some camwhoreness.

I forced myself to do it. I'm forcing myself to post it.

I need to have more faith in myself.

Of course...

Something I've been told throughout the years:

"You look so much better when you smile"

When I feel blue in the night
And I need you to hold me tight
Whenever I want you,
All I have to do is dream

You ever notice how old songs [and jazz] are so plain and simple they'd probably be considered "sappy" if just the lyrics were spoken? But when they're sung, they're so nice. Love, ohhh it's such a great thing and old songs tell it really well...

On a side note, the kart story at the end of my previous entry was REAL, not part of my dream.

I skimmed over some stuff on astral projection tonight, cause I got curious about what it was... I didn't read anything in-depth though, I'm too tired to do that. Just what it basically is, cause I hear the term being thrown around a lot... and it sounds awesome to be able to control something like that. o___o

For the last MIDI I made, all I did was turn on the game, go to the level I wanted the song for, and adjust the volume so I could hear the real song when I needed to. And then an hour later, I turned my head and found my mom playing the level I left on. !XDD! [Mario Golf, go figure] She's so cute sometimes. My parents + golf = moths + flame.

Heehee, I ramble...

But...

I miss Frank a lot.

Oh gosh, I forgot to mention my dream from last night.

It was FUN. It had something to do with racing... the vehicle was a cross between a go-kart and a snowboard but somehow it was high-speed.

But all these people kept getting in the way...

I did something really nifty though, cause there was a group of people standing in the way, so everyone else had to stop. But when I approached the people, I put the snowboard aspect of the vehicle into use... I glided along the SIDE OF THE WALL and zipped past right over everyone's heads. Then I pulled ahead, and it was awesome. XD

Somehow I ran into Nual there, and so she was my racing buddy for the first part of the race. She kept hitting the gas too early though, so we were held back while everyone else pushed ahead in the beginning. =(

I was kind of frustrated, cause I knew I would've gotten first place if I were driving alone.

I ended up getting 5th out of like 20. =P

But it was a really fun dream.

I remember this one kart thingy I did for fun at some park somewhere, you're just sposed to drive around the track but it seems like half of us got really serious about it. (Me, some random teenage guys older than me, and a 30 year old man were speeding to the max ability of the thing. Which is pretty slow but whateva, we scared everyone else. XDD)

So we're all racing, and I WAS FUCKING WINNING [go Mario Kart] and then the 30 year old man PURPOSELY [according to witnesses, he did this purposely] slammed into my kart while I was turning so I totally spun out and crashed into a wall. And it HUURTT. T____T

It's just some cheesy thing but it was so funny how the air suddenly had these intense vibes around it.

Guys. Sheesh. ;3

Raindrops keep fallin on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red
Crying's not for me
I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining...

I've had that song on repeat for awhile now.

D'you think it's possible, that when you pretend to be strong, you end up becoming that person you pretend to be? D'you think that illusion can really become a great reality?

D'you think that if I keep holding back my tears, eventually they'll go away... and I won't ever have to cry any more?

Do you think... that if I stop talking... I can pretend it doesn't exist... and my pains won't be there... and I can't hurt people... with my words...

Raindrops are falling on my head
And just like the guy who's feet are too big for his bed
Nothing seems to fit
Those raindrops are falling on my head
They keep falling

So I just did me some talking to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done
He's sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are falling on my head
They keep falling

But there's one thing I know
The blues that seem to greet me
Won't defeat me
It won't be long til happiness gets up to greet me

Raindrops keep falling on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red
Crying's not for me
Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining
Because I'm free
Nothing's worrying me

"There should be a lot of Vietnamese people up there."

"They said five percent... but most Vietnamese friends I have are really mean, and I don't like being around them."

"That's cause you haven't met any nice Vietnamese people. They're not all mean. Quynh Anh's friend has an older sister about your age."

"I don't pick my friends based on their races."

It's so funny how my parents find it obligatory to mention a person that relates to whatever they're talking about. It's just how they give examples, but this has got to be the worst one yet:

"If you double major in music and education, you could be a music teacher like mister Lorrigan."

Like, no way! [/valleygirl]

First of all, it doesn't take a genius to figure music + education + double major = music teacher, cause it was in context of what we were talking about.

Secondly, I've had a lot more music teachers than anyone in this family, you wouldn't think I'd need examples of who's a music teacher... But of all the examples they gave, they had to pick Mr. Lorrigan... and he wasn't even one of my teachers. He teaches at a junior high... that I'm never going to attend. XDD

Meh, I get too cranky when parents talk to me about academics.

They give examples for everything though. Examples are nice, but sometimes it slips my mind that it's just an example, and I feel like I'm being compared to somebody else, especially when I'm getting a lecture.

----
9/11/2001

STABSTABSTAB

GODDAMMIT I HATE YOU CAKEWALK

Cakewalk ruined my Mario Golf MIDI. TT;

Turned it into an XG MIDI file... now when I try to play it back the drums come out as random bass sounds INSTEAD OF DRUMS.

Grrr... frustrated sigh.

I'll figure it out somehow.

...I want my Voyetra back. T_____T

I'm shedding hair LIKE MY CAT. Seriously. I've been irritated when I sleep cause I don't realize I'm laying on top of all this hair I've shed off my head, and of course it gets itchy.

There was a LOT.

Just to test, I GENTLY grabbed all my hair with my two hands, and GENTLY pulled/brushed at it.

Clumps of hair came out.

Mum says my hair's a lot thinner than it used to be - I used to have lots of hair, and it was really volumous and stuff, but now I'm having trouble making it look volumous...

Kay, what the hell does this mean? Am I doing something wrong with it?!

I want a haircut.

Dream last night, long story short, Frank was extremely tired and not feeling well, and we were sitting inside a room that was the color of his blog. At first he'd gently trace things onto the wall with his finger, and words would appear in blue, but then he suddenly went quiet and disappeared for awhile.

I just sat there quietly until he came back, then he sat next to me, and just held me tiredly... I asked what he was doing, and he said the radio station called and wanted to use his voice for some videogame advertisement, so he was outside recording it. He let me hear it, and then... I thought it was the sexiest thing ever. "You're so awesome, I love you..." I kissed him [realness - yay!] and he kissed back [double yay!] and we just held each other.

We leaned against eachother and started to fall asleep... when I glanced behind me and realized we were suddenly on some kind of bus. Six year old Quynh Anh was sitting across from us, glumly staring out the window. I wondered, "Did she see us kissing?"

My dad was in the front seat. He glared back at me through the rearview mirror and said in Vietnamese, "Kiss in front of your sister and I'll beat you to death." [just an expression, not a literal threat]

And I can't tell you how much in that moment I felt smothered by my Quynh Anh and my dad.

The kissing was the only thing that felt real, though...

Anyway that dream ended, and then I had another dream.

See, I had this dream within a dream that Frank was nearby and he was gonna go to the end-of-year dance with me, and he'd made arrangements and bought tickets already... I was talking to him online about it, in my dream within a dream...

Then, after waking up, I was in some sort of afterschool PE class with 6 girls, and the teacher made us have this competition where we had to pick an opponent and bring them near death, but not kill them.

So at first we're all beating each other with random sports equipment we could find, throwing balls at eachother's heads, then one girl was like, "Let's take this into the pool."

With a whole bunch of sadistic people watching us, we all leaped into the pool... some girls took their heavy PE clothes off underwater so they could move faster. But this one girl suddenly grabbed me and tried to pull me to the bottom... We struggled and stuff, but eventually I got a hold on her... she kept swimming around like crazy good swimmer trying to lose me, but I held on with everything I had. She'd come up for air but I'd bend her over and hoist myself over the water, so she couldn't get any... wow, a dream where I wasn't physically inept... long story short it took her a minute of no air before she began to slow down, and her eyes started closing. I wasn't sure how long to keep her there before she drowned, so after awhile, I pulled her to the surface. She was barely breathing and stuff...

Well, I glumly got my towel and dried up, got dressed, pulled out my cellphone... Then I remembered my dream-within-a-dream and I wasn't sure if it was "reality" or just a "dream" that Frank was gonna visit me. I started panicking and nearly started crying, flipped open my phone and called Frank... I talked to him a bit, tried to calm down, so I could ask him if it was real or not...

My mom was waving at me...

I got into the car, and now it gets really fuzzy.

I don't know if I was hallucinating Frank in my dream, or if I was dreaming within the dream, or if he was really inside the car.

But yeah. Yay for my dreams with Frank in them.

I can't tell you how much that dream feels more like a memory than a dream. If I keep having dreams like that, hell, I'll look forward to sleeping every night...

All I have to do is turn on "The Reason" by Hoobastank and that part of my dream comes flashing back into my head, just like a real memory. I wanted to thank God or whoever for letting me see the whole thing despite waking up so many times... for giving me a dream that felt so perfect. It was absolute bliss being able to kiss and feel Frank like that... and it wasn't like he was a stranger, either. I could really feel him and that fueled who he was in my dream.

I miss him so much... that dream was almost like seeing him again... it helps a lot, refreshes real memories and feelings...

It really did feel like somebody else was controlling that dream, though, because it was like a movie and I could only sit back for the ride, hoping to be pampered by whoever was giving me the dream.

When "The Reason" started playing in my dream... oh my God. I wanted to tell whoever it was "thank you" a million times over, my heart was racing in my sleep or something. They finished it for me...

Aiya...

I want... the real Frank...

I was talking to Frank on the phone.

He was trying to do his homework, and he was tired and couldn't concentrate, so he said he was going to go.

I was whining about it, until I realized something really strange.

"What else are you doing this afternoon?" I asked.

"I don't know... why?"

"Well... you live a half hour away..." Oh my God, Michigan was a half hour drive away.

Frank sighed. "Aiviiiiii... I'm going to go."

"Okay..."

"I love you..."

"I love you too..."

"Bye..."

"Byyyye."

I was dejected. I hung up and went downstairs. And about thirty minutes later, the doorbell rang.

I raced to the window on the staircase and l ooked outside, but I couldn't see anyone standing there. I leaned over and tried to angle myself in a way I could see... I caught a glimpse of a shoulder, a familiar blueish-green shirt... and suddenly Frank moved his head over, and I stood there, frozen.

"Frank?!"

"Going to open the door or what?" He mouthed the words at me. He was smiling, holding his binder and a couple text books, so I guessed he was gonna do his homework here or something...

"Hold on!" I mouthed back at him. See, I was only wearing my underwear. I let him in, then ran upstairs to pull on a pair of jeans and make myself somewhat presentable. After I changed my pants, I threw off my shirt and ran into my room to look for another one - and it seems that Frank had wandered upstairs, so I pretty much ran into him.

My heart jumped.

And then I thought to myself, 'Ohmygod, IF ONLY THIS WASN'T A DREAM--"

AND THEN I GODDAMN WOKE UP. TT;

FUCK SHIT BITCH *&((#*^(&%(*#

DO YOU KNOW HOW REAL THAT DREAM FELT?! IF I KEPT DREAMING WE WOULD'VE HUGGED AND KISSED AND I WOULD'VE BEEN ABLE TO PHYSICALLY FEEL IT IN MY DREAM!!! AND DO YOU KNOW HOW IT'S LIKE HEAVEN WHEN YOU ONLY LIVE A 30 MINUTE DRIVE AWAY FROM YOUR LOVIE ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ACTUALLY LIVE LIKE A 7 HOUR FLIGHT AWAY. T_____T PISS PISS PISS! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT BITCH

I had trouble falling asleep again, cause I was so pissed at myself.

"Mr. Dream?"

"Whut."

"Can you do me a favor? Just once?"

"Eh?"

"Can you continue that dream for me?"

"WTF? I dunno, ya think it's possible to RESUME dreams like that?!"

"Could you please TRY? I don't want to fantasize an ending to that."

"Goddam, stop talking and SLEEP. You can't dream unless you SLEEP."

So, I had, like this one dream...

I was back in Irvington, and trying to get to the courtyard for lunch. But I accidentally made a wrong turn and ended up in the middle of Weibel. Seems like the elementary, junior, and high school were connected to eachother.

I was about to turn back when I spotted somebody who looked just as lost as I was. I wasn't sure if he was looking for someone in the elementary school or what.

"Frank?"

He turned and looked at me. "Yeah?"

"Whatcha doin here?"

He shrugged.

He seemed lost in thought about something, uninterested in me... I was a bit hurt, but I didn't want to smother him if he wanted to be left alone. So I turned back and started heading towards the high school again...

When I reached the steps leading down towards the courtyard, I felt a hand gently grab mine. I glanced to my right and saw Frank there, and I swear the wind was seriously knocked out of me.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW REAL IT FELT... T______T

His hand was warm. Both our palms were a bit sweaty cause it was really hot, and we had our fingers entwined the way we always held hands... It felt so real, OH MY GOD... you have no idea... how good it felt... it was so real...

We smiled at eachother, then walked down the stairs holding hands. People glanced up at us, but we didn't take any notice of them... I led him away to this pretty artificial pond with marble stepping stones. People were playing around it and jumping on and off the stones. We jumped onto the biggest stone, then he spun me around into his arms, and we gazed at eachother... smiled... leaned...

AND THEN MY SISTER'S RADIO ALARM WENT OFF AND I GODDAMN WOKE UP AGAIN FUCKING BASTARDS *#&$(*&%(&(&a mp;#(*&$(&$(*#&am p;*%( I COULDN'T SLEEP UNTIL SHE SHUT THE FUCKING THING OFF

"MR. DREAM!"

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"I DEMAND YOU LET ME FINISH THAT DREAM! You can't give me something that feels THAT REAL and not let me FINISH IT!"

"WELL JUST, LIKE, FALL ASLEEP AGAIN OR SUMFIN. MAYBE I'LL LET YOU FINISH IT."

"FUCK YOU."

"GO TO SLEEP! GODDAMN."

We were back in the courtyard, only now, we were alone...

So we kissed.

And kissed.

And we couldn't stop kissing.

I could FEEL his lips. I could feel everything... We kept kissing and kissing and we couldn't stop. I tilted my head and kissed him, he tilted his head and kissed me again, I loved him so much and we held each other tightly, the way we did when he was here, kissing and kissing... among other things... XD

SO...

INCREDIBLY...

REAL...

In that moment, I wished so badly that Frank could be having the same dream... if only he could feel it, too...

I wanted the dream to last forever................

FUCKING BASTARDS. #*$&(#%

"Yo, Aivi, kid."

"What, Mister Dream?"

"Don't forget. You and Frank are planning to meet tonight by the pond."

"The... what are you talking about?"

"Just go back to sleep."

Well, after my sister turned off the lights and went to school, I had the final part of the dream.

It was nighttime now. There was a giant marble mansion that appeared to be full of traps, Resident Evil meets Scooby Doo, and we had to solve a case inside it. The mansion's owner was evil bad guy planning to destroy the world, and his mansion and its traps were fatally cruel... I mean, half our team already died inside the mansion, trying to find the man...

Me and Frank were part of this team.

It was our turn to go in, next... our boss just came up with a new strategy, and the two of us were to pull it off.

And we were expected to die in there for the sake of the mission. Nobody told us this - but from a third person perspective I heard our team discussing it without us there. They were planning to sacrifice us.

I can't explain how final this felt...

Suddenly, somebody started playing "The Reason" by Hoobastank really loud on a giant set of speakers...

And my heart jumped, cause I knew what was coming in the dream.

"You and Frank are planning to meet tonight night by the pond."

I was back in my own body, seeing things from my perspective.

I was running down a set of stairs in the moonlight, wearing a white dress...

Frank turned around. He was wearing a white tux, standing over the steps in the pond...

I jumped climbed onto the steps, ran at him and leaped into his arms. He caught me, and we held each other tightly...

Somehow, we both knew what was going to happen, even though we weren't officially given any knowledge of it...

After the minister declared us husband and wife, I can't tell you how happy I was. We kissed, kissed, and kept kissing, and it felt so real, so real... And we both knew how far apart we were and how long we had to wait for this, and how good it felt to be united here right now in this dream, kissing, kissing, kissing...

"Just one more," he said softly.

I had my arms around his neck... he had one hand on my back, and one gently placed on the back of my head...

Then we held hands, and together, we walked up the stairs to our joyous little fate under the stars.

I woke up and started crying for the first time in days out of sheer happiness.

"You wanna go back to sleep and finish that dream?"

"It's alright, Mister Dream... I'm happy."

Haha... ha... ugh. I was in the kitchen to cut more stuff for breakfast, and stupidly, without looking, I put the blunt end down of the knife first and started pushing against the blade with my fingers.

As soon as I felt it, I was like shit. But I got lucky - the blade isn't that sharp, and I was pushing really gently. Heehee, I'd better be more careful...

My mom took my grandma to the dentist, so I'm kinda sitting here alone. It's okay though, I like being home alone. There's five home-made cupcakes sitting here, I dunno who's home they were made in, but damn they look so good. TT; I can't, I can't...

Oh, we also got Sunny D... that always reminds me of Frank, nowadays... cause while he was here all we had was, like, Sunny D, so we'd always be drinking that.

Blargh... it seems that within the short half hour I left he came on and got offline... I'm thinking about last night's nightmare, and the funny thing is, the part that really bothered me is simply how slow I ran.

I've never had to endure that kind of abuse... and I hope I never have to.

I just had a thought.

The balance of everything...

Where there is no joy, there is no happiness.

You basically have no feelings, and all is neutral.

Okay, so, wouldn't there be a balance to having no feelings?

Isn't having feelings the opposite of having no feelings?

So what's the "neutral" ground for that?

IS THERE SUCH THING AS NEUTRAL?

Buddhism is based on the idea that people must strive for enlightenment by ridding themselves of their wants and desires, eliminate&n bsp;sadness by eliminating joy, living in harmony with everything by being neutral. It's the perfect balace. [Of course, people must realize that when they strive for enlightenment, they're basically wanting it and that blows up] Blah blah... but the opposite to being neutral is NOT being neutral, so how d'you become neutral to that?

Grrr. I'm just making things complicated and confusing, and they really don't have to be. XD

Anyways I was messaged by a MIDI sequencer today, apparently found me on VGMusic.com. He showed me some of his stuff. Goddamn, he's really really super good. TT; And not just that, you know he's a true artist cause he says, "It's not that good." ENVY ENVY ENVY

I had a nightmare, and it sucked.

Every time I try to run in my dreams, it's like running underwater. Takes you longer than usual to touch the floor and push off. You're all pushing your arms trying to propell yourself forwards. But it's so damn slow. 

Person chasing me seemed to be taunting me. Person would run the long way around, knowing very well I wouldn't be able to escape either way.

Is that how weak I am? So weak I have trouble moving against air?

I was extremely frustrated, and even more frustrated about the person chasing me just teasing me like that.

I was in college, probably nineteen... I was wearing a skirt, camisole, and a white polo over it. Nothing provocative, just nicely dressed.

I was renting this apartment with some friends. Girls and two guys. One of the guys was a good friend, so he was cool, but the other one I didn't know very well.

I came back from my classes, put my books down, and plopped onto the living room sofa. I thought no one was home except me, until the other guy came out and sat on the other end of the sofa and said hi. It was the first time we'd ever talked directly, and after awhile I got up to do something. When I glanced behind me he was standing three feet away, and suddenly he said, "I love you."

"We've just met," I said.

"I love you," he repeated, with this fierce look in his eyes that made me really uncomfortable.

I didn't know what to say, so I turned around and walked to my room. He followed close behind me, his breathing changing into a pattern all too familiar. I got scared and ran into the bathroom, and tried to slam the door shut, when he forced it open and pushed me against the shower stall. He glared at me.

"I don't love you," I said angrily. "I love someone else."

"Your boyfriend doesn't have to know about this."

"What?" I said.

The sound of ripping fabric.

I stared at him, extremely shocked.

"Give into it," he said softly. "He's not here, he won't know. Come on, you want it."

"No, I don't. Fucking go away,"  I demanded. But for some reason I couldn't hit him or anything, because I knew I was weak and he had the power to kill me with one blow. And in the dream I knew that he would kill me if I refused.

Ripping. Tearing.

I almost started crying when he forced my camisole apart and pulled at my bra. He looked down. "I thought you were bigger," he said.

"I know," I said.

Small talk and grabbing in various areas...

I don't remember how I got away, but before I knew it I was racing down the apartment complex. People stared at me whizzing by showing my torn shirt and bra off to the world, then glanced at the guy behind me, and... laughed. They fucking laughed at me and were like, "Go, go!" to the other guy.

After I passed a few doors the air thickened around me, and suddenly I couldn't run anymore. I was trying so hard, but moving in the air as if I was underwater.

He laughed as he ran, then started running down alternate staircases and around the long way to the apartment's exit, mocking how slow I was. I had to concentrate so hard to push through the air, but I was having so much trouble cause I was panicking.

And when I finally reached the glass escalator, he stepped in front of it, folded his arms, and gave me this frightening, sly smile.

So frustrating...

I'm scared of stating my opinion a lotta times cause I always tend to be off and missing the point.

Always. ^^;

But I think it's rare as it is that I'd have an opinion on anything
I still don't know what to believe, so I can throw myself on either side of anything and just speak for it...

Not that I'm good at voicing that kind of stuff...

I'm... hungry.

I think I'm getting fatter again. I gotta check up on that... TT;

I'ma go dig for some food.

I guess it's not really fair to compare my abilities to that of my sisters...

I try too hard to be the best.

Sure, their art rocks... and they can be uber intellectual...

But we do different things...

I have high standards for my own work... when I listen to my videogame stuffs it's really not that great. And hey, compared to other sequencers, it's not.

Then I think about it... the majority of these were made when I was 12-13ish. The majority of my original music was made at age 14. A 12 year old being plagarized anonymously over the net, hm? Piss piss piss... you sad few people with nothing better to do than steal a kid's work, shame on all of you...

But the problem with being that young is that I was very immature... I didn't know how to handle people asking me for requests, I didn't know how to tell people 'no' but I didn't wanna do it for them either, and I wasn't sure how to answer when people asked me what 'software' I used [cause when I started out, I didn't use any] And I do remember one very blunt email, "You need to make better MIDIs"

Piss.

Teh little 14 year old actually got a job offer to compose for somebody

They said they'd found my videogame work on VGMusic... and I seemed to cover a variety of different games and music styles, so they wanted to know if I composed stuffs...

Exchanged a couple emails to learn more about it... but no... the concept of being "paid" was completely foreign to me... I said I couldn't do it

=(

I did spy ONE sequencer my age on VGMusic [it was written inside one of his MIDIs that he was 12 the same time I was] by the name of Tony Thai... he's very, very good now. Always has been, actually. My sisters are right within that age range right now.

So I guess I wasn't too bad.

Geesh...

I really don't know how to put things into perspective. ^^;

I was doing a search on my original MIDIs just to see if anybody's ever stolen from me. I doubt it, but it can't hurt, y'know? I'm not publicized or popular enough to be stolen from but like, I got lots of stuffs taken from VGMusic.com and even people submitting MY songs to the same goddamn site saying it's THEIRS so I's paranoid. Mew... Hennyways I got curious and wanted to see if I've ever been mentioned anywhere I didn't know of... nothing really out of the ordinary, but one result surprised me a bit.

somefoolwitha.com » Still no news from iTunes store
... FROM VG PLEASE DONT REPLY "Aivi T." wrote: Yup, I am Sirius from vgmusic.com ^^
[Name + email omitted] wrote: hey could you tell them to add more music from ffx ...

Hum. It's interesting finding bits of your journal entries in someone else's blog, y'know? I totally bitched the person out in my entry too. Whoops. TT;

While I'm here I'ma list my favorite videogame MIDI sequencers just in case they ever feel like searching themselves. Then they'll come across my blog and go, "Hey! I'm being worshipped."

Sinclair C.
Ashura Demon <-- he oddly sequences me favorite songs XDD I hearts his stuff
Jarel Jones
Mark Jansen
Mio T. <-- I hearts her Zelda work very much. ^____^ Mio's always been somebody I was intrigued by, just by hearing her work, I really wanted to get to know her back then cause I was a Zelda sequencer too. Just not as good. TT;

Yes, I sadly AM Sirius from VGMusic.com if anyone's been there

Holy shit! My page views! Ahhh!

Thank you people[s].

XD

FOMG!

Eeeeee!
You guys have no idea what this song does to my head!

It makes me feel so good!
Cause
I still feel everything underneath but
I feel stronger whenever I listen to it...
Like I can stop crying
And stop acting like a retard
And hold on tight
Cause then I know that I'm gonna make it to him
I loves him so much!
We're meant to be together
And we're gonna be together
That means WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT

Hexyeah... <3

Oh gosh
I love him so much...

Just hold on... just a bit longer...

WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT... TT;

Mweer...
Everything is so clear in my head right now.

Raindrops keep falling on my head...
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red...
Crying's not for me...
And I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining...
Because I'm free...
Nothing's worrying me...

I sat up... huddled inside my blanket... rocked myself a bit... and sang that... I had to go it through about seven times before I stopped crying... then I felt better... I sang it about four more times... then I decided to write about it... so here I am.

^______^

Raindrops keep falling on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red
Crying's not for me

I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining
Because I'm free
Nothing's worrying me

Hogawd I wish I had that attitude. TT; I envy mucho

Been thinkin about how I've been acting these last couple days
Looking at it on a greater perspective.
From my POV it all makes sense

From the outside POV I'm a retard. XD

I ish sowee. I will twy to be a good kid.

I'm still immature and not-grown-up tho, I dunno how. =(

OH OH I GOTTA GO TO THE BANK DEPOSIT MY CHECKS AHHH TT;
I don't want them to be invalid...

I forgot my PIN tho. XD
I mean I swear I have the numbers, I just can't figure out the sequence.

Immature. Irresponsible. Retard. =3

Hehehe I can't sleep
I go get more caffeine
XDD

[twitch]

I only had one glass of coke tonight at like 10PM, so I doubt it's the problem cause it usually isn't ---> I'm just not sleepy! ^^;

I will be tho...

Eeee that tasted like diet coke! TT;

Nonono Sunday, go away! TT;
I CAN'T SLEEP THESE PRECIOUS WEEKENDS AWAY COS I DON'T GOTS THAT MANY LEFT YA'KNOW

[mopes] =(

I feel sadistically happy =(

I types funny at the mo cause I feel like it
It's nuffin special.

They's accusing you of SEXUAL stuffs?!
HOW BAD IS YOU BEING WIF OTHER PEOPLES
Boohooooooo! TT;
justkiddingIknowwhatchmea nIthink

XP

Well like
I kid around sometimes I think
But only online and not in public so yea
I think
Well unless it's Gaia
Everyone's purvy there
But like I never do secksi joking stuffs to other people
o____O
Unless you's counting the thing with Kyuu and the whip
But I was just being silly not raunchy.
Eeeee!

Anyway
I did this tuh-day and I like how I colored it. <3

NO MESSAGES ... I just
think it's hawt! XD

FOMG I <3 BEING IN FREMONT!

Dianne was like playing KH today
She called me cause she needed help in Agrabah.
I'm like the second KH DIVA of the house, mon.
I told her to come pick me up.

But I was kidding cause we ish both lazy. HARHAR

Well actually it was "yesterday" and stuffs.

I like colored pencils now. I think I'ma play with them a little more
I'm recording two piano songs at the mo
They's being called "Night" and "Serenity"

LAMEASS TITLES SOOOO SPIFFY!

I dunno what else to do

Peoples are like "You will be successful and famoose ur gonna hav a gr8 future cause ur so talented!!!!1111"

Thank you peoples!
It's so encouraging! =D
I hope it's true and stuff.
Cos I really don't feel it, y'know?
NO DISCIPLINE, MWEHEHE

BUT

I will grow up someday hopefully
and stuff.

Oh and I finally fixed the time zone. I'm in GMT -8 I think

Thanks for the page views.

Forty in the last two hours.

Goddamn.

I want friends
Peoples I can hang around

But I don't really know anybody
I don't like anybody I do know

I don't have anyone at the moment

No one at all.

Maybe it's not my fault
What close friendships I had before were stolen from me
STOLEN

Maybe it is my fault
For not going places with new people
For not spending time with new people
For not getting to know new people

And the one person
I sacrificed all that for

Isn't really there.

So now, I'm alone

Very

Alone.

With nowhere to go
No way to get around
No one to be around
No one to talk to
No one I want to be around
Except one person
Who isn't really around

Laying here alone

Maybe if I blocked everything in my head
There wouldn't be pain

And then my pains
Can't hurt
Anyone else.

Would you feel better if I didn't cry?

Would you?

Why do I talk like this...

Why do I say things like this.

What the hell else am I suppose to do.
It's not like anyone tells me.

"It was just one of those things... one of those crazy things..."

Jazz.

"It was just one of those nights... just one of those fabulous fights..."

"But it was just one of those things."

Apparently...

When my parents started getting close, for two years all they'd do each time they met was practice music. My dad would play guitar and my mom would sing.

Soon they started appearing in those little Vietnamese concerts...

My dad was telling me there was a Vietnamese newspaper article claiming they were from Australia, and had come to America to record an album. XD That's funny.

According to my mom, a record company actually contacted my parents and asked them to record an album under their label...

My parents valued their privacy... they refused.

Good God, I don't know if I would've been able to refuse that.

They don't play and sing much anymore, cause they don't have the time. My mom was telling me that when I was the only child, they'd sit around and my dad would play while my mom sang, and I'd sit there watching and happily clap along.

It all sounds so simple...

On another note, having this laptop attached to the keyboard is like... fucking awesome. I can record things straight into the computer and edit what's necessary, and I can record things part-by-part to make it easier. No more fucking manual editting. Oh god, this is so awesome.

And since I'm using my awesome keyboard,&nb sp;the song still maintains it's humanity, its emotion, its human touch.

This is so cool.

Beats laying-in-bed-half-dead-b arely-breathing-curled-up -soaking-up-my-pillow-in- black anyway.

I think I nearly fell asleep after I calmed down, then after what seemed half an hour of laying motionless, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror, and my nose was still red and my eyes were puffy.

Bad thoughts start occuring when I'm hurt, I just wanna stick it to the man or something. I started wishing Di would call me again and ask me to go clubbing tonight. I wanted to sneak out because I'm not allowed to, get into a 21+ bar absolutely free because it's illegal. I'm 17.

And just yesterday I declined her offer cause it felt wrong...

The first time I went clubbing was age 14... it wasn't anything special.

Speaking of things that feel wrong, it's really funny when people start turning to you when they have questions about sex... Especially when you're supposed to be the young naive innocent baby who doesn't know anything and has a limited sense of perversion.

Hum...

I sound like a bad kid, don't I? Quite the contrary, my dear Watson...

Can't help but notice how many times I've been told I have "nice eyes" on DA... It's very strange hearing it.

I don't even know why I'm still awake. I'm going to bed now.

I miss Frank a lot......

I told my sisters about what I did to Frank's Gaian avatar this morning. We all think it's amusing and funny except for Quynh Anh. She says Libras don't think it's funny when people steal stuff from their Gaian inventories, even if it's an affectionate joke. TT;

Aw, party pooper.

I got my laptop hooked up to my keyboard downstairs. I've been down here for the last couple hours doing MIDI work and listening to MIDIs... ohhh, I love it! With this convenience [my compie and keyboard being hooked up for the first time ever] who knows, I might do a lotta spiffy songwriting this weekend.

Oh, I also found an extra digital mouse that nobody's using.

I AM INVINCIBLE HAHAHA

I really like where Jeros's theme is going...

Unfortunately I have to fight the urge to twist the song to fit my personality, instead of Jeros's...

The way it's set up, it'd sound really nifty if it were fast and gentle alternating with slow and powerful... Jeros is probably like that too, although with him, it'd make more sense to start the song off slow and progress into something quicker. I have this urge to start the song off fast [cause fast stuff makes for spiffy lead-ins] and have a slow break in the middle.

I'm almost done with my character Læon's theme, too. I'm at the very end but I'm having trouble touching it up... I guess I'm lazy. I have the basic idea down and that satisifies me enough...

Hmm... who else... Jette has a theme, Kao, Boomer, Frank's character Airis...

AH. MAGAS.

Okay, in my head, Magas's theme is the damn spiffiest thing you'll ever hear from me. [Not really, but I like it best] I have the basic idea down in my head, but... I can't seem to translate that into notes. TT;

Someday, someday...

Maybe I can record a rough draft. Yush, I think I'll do that.

I've spent the last two hours playing piano, and I'm... surprisingly tired, and not recharged.

I have so many song ideas that I can't place into notes anymore. It's just, my ideas are becoming more complicated and simple at the same time, and I can't record it.

Plus, I'm lacking a lot of equipment at the moment, so it's a pain...

So, yes, I can play the piano parts of these songs:

Linkin Park - In the End
NIN - The Becoming
NIN - Something I Can Never Have
SuperGreenX - 4F73R M3 [remix of "B4U" from DDR for FFR]
Vanessa Carlton - A Thousand Miles
Vanessa Carlton - Ordinary Day
Switchfoot/Mandy Moore - Only Hope
Evanescence - Bring Me to Life
Spirited Away - One Summer's Day

Not including videogame songs, and anything I've ever made of MIDI of, of course...

I can probably figure out anything else you throw at me if it has a piano part. Generally these only take me a few minutes to figure out, if I'm familiar with the song. Except for "Only Hope" which took six hours, spread over three days.

Sigh...

I should push myself to do something other than sit on my ass all day. First of all I'm not using my muscles and secondly I don't eat much, so I'm basically just this weak little thing sitting here with no energy.

But... I don't enjoy doing stuff...

Then again I'm just as depressed sitting here as I would be doing anything else, just, at least I'm "relaxing" this way.

I think my infection has returned even though I didn't do anything to make it return suddenly. Sorry if this is graphic, but last time we went to the doctor they said when I go to the bathroom I release protein and blood and stuff that's not sposed to be released. Plus, I've had "protein deficiency" since like first grade. But that's never seemed to be a problem, I mean I don't see how it affects me?

Heheh, I'm a very weak person.

You'd wonder why a little girl who can't tie her own goddamn shoes want to pursue something she can barely handle. The hard way.

Now, if I said these words: "Everytime you say goodbye, I die, a little. Everytime you say goodbye, I wonder why, a little."

Cute?

Now if I could actually sing, and I sang them... it's beyond beautiful. I think this is what they call "jazz music"...

It's a form of human expression that amazes me...

Usually jazz music doesn't tickle my fancy, and I have to be in the right mood to listen to it. It was a bit soft for me, but I started thinking about it... how much I love it, because it's so human, all about emotion and improvising. It's unpredictable. It's so free and frail, yet so powerful, just like the human heart.

And the lyrics, when they're sung... they're amazing.

A lot of people who don't sing really well can hide beneath loud instruments, computerize their voices, and whatnot, for other genres. It's more artistically free in the sense you can do anything and edit things to be the way you want... which isn't a bad thing. That's why technology exists.

It's like people who say "CG" isn't "real art" cause it's done artificially by computer. Fuckers. Music isn't any different than that. There's no such thing as something that isn't "real music"... and parents whine about rap using that excuse. If you're bitching about how it sounds, then you're basically bitching out the "abstract art" of music. Now, if you're bitching the content, you're probably bitching out the "pornography" of music. Ah, parallels...

Anyway, back to jazz.

In jazz, you just can't hide your voice... hum... yes... damn jazz music. I only know of the really popular stuff, but hey, they rule...

Something about it just drives home.